Shall we take the kids to Almond Valley today?
The Good Lady said with a dreamy air as if she had just discovered self-raising flour in the cupboard.
Ugh, I hate farms, baby. It's always the same old shit. Literally shit surrounding a poky wee gift shop selling Chinese tat.
I gave out a disapproving hiss like a Turtle being given purple sprouting broccoli to eat.
That's a bit bitter sounding!
The Good Lady laughed.
Well, that's decided then. We're going. Straighten your face and load up the car.
She kissed me on the cheek as if that would make everything better. I harrumphed and pretended that it hadn't.
And so it was. We arrived an hour later at Almond Valley and after parking the car the kids ran screaming out towards a giant bouncey castle in the shape of a cow.
I watched the kids leap up and down trying to hit the "cow's" udders before scanning about for a coffee shop.
See. Isn't this fun? Look how happy the kids are?
The Good Lady purred with contentment as if she were a ginger cat tormenting a wounded starling.
Hmmph, suppose.
I kicked a stone and breathed in the manure-heavy air.
God this place stank, just to confirm that, a nearby Llama shat itself unashamedly in an adjacent field.
Manky long-necked bastard
I thought as its over-ripe bum cigars curled onto the ground.
Then I saw it, The Coffee Barn.
Yeehaaw!
I yelped with excitement as if a sassy brunette chick had slapped my arse and called me Charlie.
Coffee, what do you want, a latte?
Already I was imagining a Cinnamon swirl to go with my Flat white. Then I thought of the Llama's odd curled shits and shivered. Bastard Llama.
Yeah, a latte would be nice.
The Good Lady stared happily at the children jumping about on the bouncy castle as if childhood was an ephemeral thing not to last.
I skipped off to the Coffee Barn and got in the queue. I hoped the coffee would be nice, it could be touch and go at these places. Either the owners really cared and got some decent kit to make coffee or they wanted to screw everyone out of money and got a cheap fucking Tassimo rip-off.
Still, it was a cool little coffee place with the woody oak-like exterior of an old lesbian.
Can ah 'elp ya love?
The mad-looking blonde woman serving gazed at me with a predatory eye.
Yeah, Skinny latte and a flat white, please.
I smiled valiantly like a bullfighter in a rainstorm.
Ooo, flat white is it? Fancy.
She gave me an approving nod as if she could already see herself washing down my flanks with a rough flannel.
Moments later, I was heading away from the Coffee Barn with two steaming hot coffees.
Ah, this ain't so bad.
I sighed cheerily to myself.
The sun even popped out and the temperature rose to a balmy 14 degrees which in Scotland is positively tropical.
Daddy! Daddy!! Come and see! Black Swan!! Black swan!!
The Little Boom was running toward me, his face flushed with excitement and fear.
I felt a hand of ice clutch my heart. A black swan? For real? This could not be. I mean, I knew a lot of things about a lot of stuff but all I knew about Black Swans is that they are arbiters of great change and destruction.
Surely, he hadn't seen a Black Swan?
This way!!
He dragged at my trouser leg and I heroically did my best not to drop the scalding hot coffees on him.
We came over to a pond in which some ducks looked to be despondently quacking about the Hive price.
Then I saw them.
Sweet Jeebus. It was true. Black Swans.
Quick, fetch your mother and sister.
I hastened the Little Boom away as I stared in horror at the two monsters paddling but feet away from me.
Black Swans were nothing but trouble.
We had better drive to the hills, maybe even the mountains. Hopefully, we would be ok. Hopefully.
But even as I wished it were so the words of Diana Ross echoed through my mind.
Aint no mountain high enough...
Fucking hell, I felt sick. She knew?!