HAPPY AUGUST 21st!! - First photo is my cute natural curly hair! As I get older the curls are coming in more and more!! I LOVE IT!
These last few weeks have been a little rough for me, mentally and emotionally I have been working through past traumas that I didn't realize were still an issue. Wes and our daughter have been doing some quality time adventures together without me, and I love it so much that they can and are doing fun things together! This though, has been bringing up traumas that I had forgotten about....so here is what I have learned these last few weeks about myself.
I am very co-dependent...VERY - When Wes and I first got married, the Twin Towers were destroyed within weeks of us marrying and our whole lives were about to shift completely out of our control. I was 16, pregnant, and unsure how this next chapter of our lives was going to unfold. We found out quickly that I was going to be a single mom and a wife with no husband around. During the build up to his first deployment, we did as much as we could together, and enjoyed it as best as we knew how. When Wes deployed in 2003 I was pregnant with our 2nd child, 18 years old, and had a 1 year old son to care for. 6 weeks after he had left, I lost that baby, I was almost 15 weeks along...and the baby just stopped growing. Because of no communication channels, I couldn't tell him, he had no idea until weeks later that we were no longer expecting our baby. These last few weeks of being completely alone has opened my eyes to memories I have stuffed down. The lonely nights crying in bed, the suicidal ideation that filled my mind so many times, the fear of always being alone and possibly losing my husband to war, trying to raise a child on my own while being exponentially terrified of our future. This made me crave people and crave the ability to lean in on someone....but I had no one but myself and our son...he was my rock, and he is why I am still here.
I am capable of being alone.. - I made it through the few days of being alone, it's quite the weird feeling to be in a giant house all alone with no children asking for my attention...or a husband to snuggle with. This wasn't easy and it sounds so ridiculous, as I explained above, there was a lot of really difficult emotion for me to process, and being alone threw me right back into that period of our lives and it wasn't comfy...but I faced it. There is a LOT for me to work through, and now I am aware of it.
I love taking photos - While they were gone, I went on walks to keep my mind busy and keep me from feeling so overwhelmed with loneliness. I am obsessed with these little sunflowers that grow all along the canal behind our home, they are filled with bright joy, and sometimes bees that are gorging themselves in pollen...ha! The little bee in the 3rd photo was making the biggest mess, and it was adorable and reminded me of myself when I am thoroughly enjoying my food...HA! Walking and taking photos was a great distraction for me.
I have serious FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) - I realized that I had NO issues doing chores, laundry, cleaning, dishes etc...while they were away. Which gave me a big "AH HA" realizing that I HATE these things because deep down I am afraid I am going to miss out on something fun or exciting...I never do and nothing ever gets done...I have something to work toward and am aware of it now.
I really REALLY love my family - I am very grateful for my family, I am grateful for Wes taking time and being very intentional about spending quality time with our kids. I am grateful for their experiences that they are enjoying together. I have a lot to work on, and not being a "victim" when I am not out with everyone is something I need to be exposed to more, and something that I need to learn to enjoy (I won't have my people with me forever...unfortunately) so I need to learn how to enjoy my own company more without feeling so isolated and allowing my brain and anxiety to convince me that everyone hates me and I am useless.
I have PMDD and my hormones take HARD dives during my cycle. I will go from being totally fine to having suicidal ideation within minutes, it is absolutely terrifying. Unfortunately the other night when they had gone to the POLYPHIA concert, my dive hit. I laid in our bed the entire time they were gone to ensure I was safe. No one should have to suffer through this shit...ever. American Dr's just don't care. My Dr has said to me in regards to the suicidal ideation "can't you just tough it out since you know what it is?" I try..multiple times a month...I try. Sometimes it's more intense, and sometimes I make it through the month lightly exposed to my dives....but if anyone knows and understands these thoughts and feelings...you know that there is NO logic behind these thoughts and actions. I pray I can find a natural way to ease these dives and that I will never succumb to the dive.
I hope y'all have enjoyed your weekend and that this upcoming week is beautiful and enjoyable for you!
Thank you for taking time to read my rambles! Much love to you all!!