[platonic and romantic]
Your friendly neighborhood author has spent many years with a diverse array of roommates, male and female (some platonic), in addition to AirBnB hosting and Couchsurfing.com hosting. Through those experiences, I’ve learned some lessons that – when looked at through the lens of Practical Empathy – may be useful to people choosing to share a home, apartment, cabin, tent, undersea dome, dumpster, or tree–house.
I find it is useful to mutually define what spaces are personal and what spaces are shared. Personal spaces might include your bedroom, office, and bathroom. Shared spaces might include the living room, dining room, kitchen, dungeon, yard, garage, and bathrooms.
First, everyone has different thresholds for order, cleanliness, and organization. Some areas of a home pretty much must be shared. If you leave dirty socks laying on the floor in your bedroom, it has zero affect on your roommate. If you leave your socks in the living room, it almost certainly affects your roommate.
First, the meaning of that phrase that I want to convey, in case not clear: The more you have, the more your brain keeps track of, in terms of where that item is, what it does, how to protect it, use it, etc. Our current pre-neuralink brains – even if potentially infinite in what they can store – for the average human, can only keep so much in active memory.
A powerful way to increase your inner peace is to reduce your mental clutter, which leads to...
Given that our active memory can only keep track of so much at a time, we can feel forgetful and/or overwhelmed when we reach our threshold in terms of how many items our senses are tracking. I say "senses" because this isn't just about visual.
For example: Think about how easy it is to focus on and understand a person's words if they are the only one speaking versus you are trying to understand them when two or more are speaking at the same time. For me, it works that way and visually, as well.
Side note: I have met and heard of people who say they thrive better with more clutter, as it feels somehow more homey, warm, or safe to them. I can understand. If both you and your roommate enjoy clutter then feel free to ignore this section.
Back on track with a quick example: An artist with a big empty white piece of paper can most easily feel inspired to be creative without distraction or limitations on harmonizing with what exists already or "I must operate within and around certain boundaries and limitations already present".
Back to clutter and emptiness in a physical space. How do you feel when you walk into a room and all the things are put where you know they belong and your brain doesn't have to work to find those things when you need them? Do you notice and value that? Is it easier to focus on what you want to get done, what needs replenishing, etc.?
I'll admit order and consideration are super valuable to me, personally. Maybe you and your roommate are different. What I recommend is to treat order and consideration as if they are important to your roommate, or at least the lowest common denominator between you as the threshold to meet. The order part, hopefully, I've described well enough above. Consideration may not be as evident or obvious, as everyone has their own threshholds and preferences.
Starting as a kid on the road, I often worried if the people who took my mom and I into their space would kick us out. Maybe that is where I learned to value consideration? Oh and the various violent men she was often attracted to. See, I spent a lot of time putting myself in their shoes with thoughts like, "If I use too much of that thing, will they get upset?" or "If I make a certain amount or kind of mess or noise, will they throw us out?" or "If I say or do the wrong thing, will this guy smack me or worse?"
Also, I’d often have thoughts like, "I really appreciate their generosity in sharing their space, so I'm going to do something for them when I can." Through that process and probably refined later when having many live–in lovers and platonic roomies as an adult, I learned to appreciate the difference between my private spaces where I could organize/clean at my whim and it affected only me vs. shared spaces where my level of organization/cleanliness directly affected my roomies and their guests.
As I grew older, these two ways of being grew to be the same. In other words, I mostly treat my personal space the same as shared space. This meets my needs for integrity, beauty, ease, efficiency, order, and comfort.
That all said, no one has the same level of these values that involve organization/cleanliness, so adaptation/compromise must happen one way or another. So... is it best for the "neat" to adapt to the "carefree", visa versa, or a little of both?
The kitchen can be a source of much shared joy as well as contention. How much time do you spend in the kitchen compared to your roommate? Do you clean up after yourself? Do they? How much of their food, trash, or dishes do you have to move or even clean in order to use the kitchen?
When I hosted via Couchsurfing or AirBnB, or otherwise had roomies in my house, the first "rule" I made was, "Please try to be as neat as you can and clean up after yourself." Guess what? That never worked. Primarily because no one has the same value levels, as I mentioned above. Kind of like if you run a business and you tell people they can pay what they see as fair for your product or service; make no clearly defined expectation clear to them. We all have differing ideas about what is fair.
So... things got much more easy and clean when I changed the rule to be, "Completely clean up after yourself, which means do not leave unclean dishes anywhere. If you don't want to let your food get cold, then of course, it is totally fine to do the cleaning after you enjoy your meal. And/or you could try the practice of cleaning as you go, so that by the time your meal is ready to eat, you have almost nothing to clean. Whatever way fits you."
Side note: If you want to develop your overall awareness and efficiency, slow down your meal preparation and pay attention to the steps you go through as you prepare. Notice how each ingredient looks and smells. Notice how warm water feels on your hands. Pause to sip some water, tea, or wine. Play some music. Dance! The kitchen can be a source of much joy!
Making that more clear rule affected all parties. Even though it was my house, I stuck to it myself, in the interest of fairness, setting an example to follow, and meeting my own needs for a clean, uncluttered kitchen and a desire to positively affect my roommate’s state of mind.
And bonus: this eliminated a potential point of resentment and/or conflict.
I imagine we’ve all been on the giving and receiving end of “noise” (here I am using “noise” to be sounds that are annoying in content, tone, pitch, or volume). We don’t always know when we are creating a sound that disturbs others in the vicinity. Either err on the side of being extra quiet or self-censorious or talk to your roommate about this. I recommend the latter.
Acquire as many of the following devices as you can afford:
– Ear plugs.
– Over–the–ear protection that can be combined with ear plugs, if needed. These are often used at shooting ranges.
– Noise–canceling earbuds and/or headphones. Both of these devices can be used to help you have more peace when loud noises are happening and you need quiet. They can also be used for when you want to consume some kind of media without disturbing your roommate.
– Noise generating device. I have two that offer a choice of different nature sounds, like the sounds of waves. I put one in my private space and one in my bathroom. These devices serve as a “sound buffer” that meets my needs for more freedom, consideration, and harmony. I can be more confident that I’m not disturbing my room-mate and they can use higher volumes when they choose to enjoy various media.
While it can be tempting to pool all resources between roommates because of cost savings, efficiency, and even connection, I recommend being careful with this.
Everyone has differing values for how they care for their “stuff”. On one end of the spectrum is the “disposable mindset”. Lend them your bike and they may forget to lock it up. Your expensive frying pan? Don’t count on it being cared for as you would. I’m embarrassed to admit I lost a close friend because of how she treated a tent I loaned her and the resulting argument that escalated out of control. I could have been more clear about my expectations in the beginning and I could have been more empathetic when confronting her after her use of the tent.
If you are the one who’s items are being borrowed, be super clear with the borrower exactly what your expectations are in terms of when they will return the item, in what condition, and where you want them to place the item. I happen to enjoy knowing where my stuff is, so even that last part is important to me.
Example
“I want to lend it to you, rather than you having to buy your own because I value contribution, efficiency, and thrift. I also really value your friendship. Would you be willing to agree to some terms so we reduce the chance this causes undue conflict between us?”
Surely sharing food, or at least condiments, is a win–win for roommates because of saved money, waste, and time spent shopping? Not necessarily.
Perhaps you have heard the phrase, “Who drank the last of the milk?”
Or maybe you have had conflict over “Who bought that?”
Or they use your cat milk but don’t put it back in the fridge. You may be fine with them using some of your stuff but you prefer they put it back where they got it. A small thing in the grand scheme but as we discuss elsewhere, small things make growing piles, which can build dark towers of burning resentment.
Most of the above applies to guests. In case not obvious, I’ll mention a few things on this:
Is he having a new lover over? Talk to him about his preferences. Also, it may be fruitful to practice “giving him an out” as discussed in the “Romantic relationships” chapter. For example:
Hey man I know you have that date tonight. I’m guessing you value privacy and are wanting to explore the connection you have with her without other influences and distractions being present? I remember having a room-mate once who stuck to us like glue the entire time she was here, which was super annoying. Would be nice if I was either absent from the house or stay out of the way?
First, people don’t always love surprises. For some things, like a new person in the home they live in, they may want to prepare by putting pants on, moving the tub dolphin to the pool in the back yard, or planning an outing.
So, the sooner and more specific the message, the better. “This coming Saturday a new potential lover named Kate is coming over around 7pm to get to know each other. We’ve had one date for coffee so far and I’m a bit nervous. [pause for roomie to comment] Since she and I are so new, I want as much undistracted time with her as I can get. [pause for roomie to comment] Would you be willing to brainstorm on how we can facilitate that without infringing on your freedom?
No matter how tasty they look, this can lead to problems like
Practice saying the hard things. A few words costs you little. Build and nurture this habit because it can easily bleed into a practice of saying little and avoiding topics that might bring discomfort, disagreement, or food fights.
Since this entire book could be considered to be about “communication,” let’s talk here about some specific examples for roomies.
“Hey so you will know you have the house to yourself, I am leaving town for two or three days between these times.”
We all have differing amounts of “need for play” we want or will spend time on. If there is a close enough match, finding ways to play together can contribute quite a bit to joy and harmony in a room-mate situation.
Some examples
A gaming console like Xbox or Playstation in a shared space can be a way to blow off steam, connect, experience challenge, work together on a common goal, bond, and laugh together.
On the ease and spontaneity side are card and board games. Create a list of games you like and run them by your roomie. Ask what they prefer. One way to filter for “best games for you two” is to figure out the underlying reasons why each of you prefer certain games. And guess what? Those are needs/wants/values! Example:
“I prefer more strategic, less luck-based games because I want challenge, creativity, and mental stimulation.”
Card and board games can also be a fun and relatively accessible way to connect with guests.
Table-top RPGs have all the benefits we have mentioned above while going a bit deeper. There can be quite a bit more challenge, mental stimulation, bonding, and creativity. Why? Table-top RPG games usually allow for more creativity because the rules can be negotiated and the “Dungeon Master” or “Game Master” (GM) is a human being, as compared to board and card games where the rules all come from purely the game itself, unless the players choose to agree on some modifications. That said, most table-top RPGs do have rules. Sometimes – but not always - an overwhelming number of rules for non-geeks. The distinction is that every “module” or “adventure” can be either mass produced/commercial, created from scratch by the GM, or a combination of both. The GM plays omniscient storyteller and optimally fair arbiter and relayer of “what happens” and “what players see, hear, etc.”. Here is an example of some game play during a game I created called CyberMage: @scottermonkey/session-01
Building something together can be a great source for growth, learning, and all the same benefits we can get from playing together. This can be an opportunity to spend time with your room-mate in a productive way. Build a chicken coop, garden, or spaceship.
