Please, take my money but don't hurt me!!
A young work colleague Phlegmy threw himself down on one knee. He held his hands out beseechingly.
Fuck off, ya daft bastard.
I responded, my brow frumpling up at his odd antics.
I had just arrived at work through the freezing icy snow storm that had popped up out of nowhere and I was in a grim mood.
I started to unzip my big winter coat.
Oh god no, he's got a gun! Please! Please! Don't shoot me with your big gun, mister!?!
Phlegmy gargled dramatically.
What the hell are you on about?
I huffed as I slid out of my coat.
I think he's talking about that thing on your face. You know, the Dick Turpin scarf thing?
One of the nearby Business Analysts, a chap called Wetty piped up.
I threw a poisonous glance at him for opening his filthy Analist mouth and toyed with the idea of picking up a chair and smashing him in the head with it. Bloody Business Analysts, no one likes them.
Phlegmy also made a disgusted face at Wetty and got up shaking his head.
Have you come to rob us, oh villainous highwayman?
Phlegmy chuckled at his own fine wit.
So, come on man. What the fuck is it you are wearing on your face?
Phlegmy dropped his fearful act and looked all sneery at me as if I was his wife ordering steak in a fancy restaurant.
Oh this?
I tugged the thing on my face downward exposing my moist pink lips.
It's a Wizard's Sleeve.
A fucking Wizard's whatsit?!
Phlegmy snorted with glee.
A wizard's sleeve.
I pulled it over my head and tucked it in a pocket.
A wizard's sleeve... HA, hahah hhahahahhahah... You do know what a Wizard's sleeve means... Don't you?
Phlegmy looked as if he was going to explode with joy.
Yes, I know.
I said, rolling my eyes at the folly of youth.
Bet you don't.
I do.
What is it then. Go on, tell us!
Phlegmy practically shouted.
I paused. Of course, I knew that a Wizard's sleeve was a euphemism for a loose bahjeen. After all, I was the King of Euphemisms.
HA! He doesn't know!
Phlegmy crowed.
I do, it's the term used to describe your Mum's vagina.
I smirked.
Phlegmy recoiled slightly.
Hey, that's out of order?!
He squawked.
Aye, your mum's vagina is out of order.
I said smugly.
I don't think that's very funny.
He replied flatly.
I don't think your mum's vagina is very funny either.
I turned away and put my headphones on. Bloody youngsters, no respect for their elders. Or their Wizard's Sleeve's.
