Have you ever experienced your conversations with someone becomes a routine because you only have to say a few words and listen all throughout his/her stories. Like, you have your own checklist of what to say and when to say it.
My checklist involves saying:
A. Greeting
- "Hello :)" (wave hand)
- "Oh kamusta ka na?" (how are you?)
B. In the middle of conversation...
- "Oh tapos anong nangyari?" (Then what happened?)
- "Ano na ngayong balak mo?" (So what do you plan to do now?)
- "Mmmm ok."
C. By the end of the meeting
- "Bye :3"
This happened very so often to me that I started to think and worry about my relationship with the person I'm talking to because even if we knew each other for a long time now, I don't feel that we're that close. It seems so one-sided. Like I don't have a part in it at all. I can't express what I want to say and because of that I began stressing over it and ended up silent most of the time.
I tried, once, to input some of my opinions and it just ended up like I'm preaching. Actually, it wasn't only just once did I try saying something and it ended up just me preaching again.
Uuugh! I want to tell my stories, my jokes, my feelings and hope she would listen to them sincerely. Yes I said "she", because the one I'm pertaining to is a girl. Haaah... it's hard to be a boy when it comes to lengthy talks. You ran out of words, you make the conversation simple and you just listen most of the time especially when you're talking with a girl... I don't know, maybe it's just me.
It's not like I don't enjoy listening to other people's stories, in fact, that's what I like the most in a "convo". The only problem for me is when she doesn't reply when I use one of my routine phrases. By then, you would know something's up. In the past, most of the time she's the first one to greet me but at some point this became very rare and instinctively of me, I keep searching the word "hello" from her mouth... but I can't seem to find it. Time went by and the number of chances we get to meet each other became fewer and even if we do meet each other, she wouldn't greet me.
I said to myself, "Maybe it's time for me to initiate the greeting". And there I have it, she replied... but that's the end of it. After that she didn't say a single word. The following meeting, I tried once again to greet her then followed it up with " how are you?". She replied, "Ayos lang" (I'm fine), and that was it. After that she went on to do her business.
"Is she busy? Is she troubled? Is she tired of me?"
After a few weeks she got mad at me because I said something stupid to her, although that wasn't really my intention. After that she apologized to me (even though I was the one at fault) and I laughed it off saying, "It's ok, it's ok. I was the one at fault" (This all happened through text messages). After that, I had the urge to delete all the messages I sent her for the past months/ year.
I ignored her every time we meet. I don't greet her, I don't look at her and I avoided crossing paths with her. Not because I was angry at her... well at least not after a week or so (I was mad at first because she kept putting me in the "seen mode" in messenger even if my messages were about work and not even directly related to her). I avoided any direct contact with her so as not to piss her even more but still... I longed for her voice, her face, her eyes, her hair, her smile— especially her smile, because I often see her frowning the past days. Usually she doesn't frown, whether she's talking to someone or not, but I saw her frowning very often when she was alone (this was before I got mad at her for ignoring me first)...
I kept praying and praying that somehow I want her to be happy even if the reason isn't me, even if we don't see each other anymore. I prayed to God to help her in whatever she was going through and help me withstand the pain of not being able to do anything to help her (because she won't tell me what was her problem).
With God's mercy, I finally saw her smile again...
...but only with me in the distance.
I was happy, very happy, but at the same time sad. I was there but I was just looking from a far. So close yet so distant. Cliche isn't it... but then again, that was what I prayed for. I'm content even if she forgets me. If remembering me would only hurt her again I would gladly accept being forgotten, but still I'll regret not being able to say my stories, my jokes, my feelings.
I guess there is a time for everything. I'll just wait for it patiently, and trust in God, that he knows what's best for me more than anyone else.
I hope you enjoyed listening to my inner thoughts :3
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