If you are a parent of a teenager you have most probably heard things like Leave me alone. You do not understand me! You are ruining my life!! I hate you!! and You always embarress me!
If that is not bad enough, their behaviour can get worse, we can say things that make it worse, all because we do not understand how their brains work and how to handle it.
Teenagers' brains go through the same rewiring as what it did when they were toddlers (so even is they are trying to act grown up, or think they know everything, they do not.) The problem now is that they match your size and use more colourful language, so it can cause a lot more problems.
This is a time when we can loose connection with our kids very easily, so here are a few tips on what NOT to do to create more turmoil:
STOP asking "What is wrong with you?"
This question is fine if you are really interested to find out if something is wrong, but not if it is being used as an outburst. It then sends the message that you think there is something wrong with your child that can't be fixed. This creates a sense of confusion and self-loathing among teenagers.
You need to understand that the frontal lobe of a teenager's brain, that controls impulses, reasoning and planning, is the last part of the brain to be rewired. While this rewiring is taking place, they tend to make decisions based on emotions and will act instantaneously.
Even though it looks like teenagers do not care, they are very sensitive to our opinions and acting as though they do not care is a defense mechanism.
If you as a parent break them down, their emotions can turn inward into negative self-talk and can cut very deep.
Try and understand that this rewiring of the brain is temporary and will not carry on for ever - as difficult as it may be, try and keep your cool and do not break down your teenager.
DON'T raise your voice
This is very difficult but think about it, you do not always go off on your toddler, because you do not want to seem like a bully, but when kids start to match our size we will easily loose it and start shouting. In the heat of an argument, we will just let loose and shout and scream and most probably say damaging things.
On the other hand you are also teaching your teenager that most fights ends in a screaming match and that way you will end up being on the receiving end a lot. So even if it is very difficult, try and stay calm and get your point across without loosing your head.
DO NOT try and be a career coach
By the time our kids are teenagers we start stressing a lot about their marks at school, and we tend to check up on them. Imagine your boss looking over your shoulder the whole day and finding fault with everything you do, this is how it must feel being your teenager and being checked up the whole time.
We have to look after our kids and take care of them, but then sometimes we tend to bombard them with information and suggestions on how we think they could do better.
Your home must be a haven from the outside world, where they can relax and feel save, not a place where more pressure is added. Adding too much pressure and always expecting more, can cause long term damage. (I am not saying you must not encourage your child to do better, but know what their abbillities are and be realistic about your expectations.)
DON'T just leave them to it or let them get on with it
If your teenager is moody it can sometimes be a relieve if they just dissapear into their rooms, but the longer you leave them, the more they will pull away from you.
If you leave them for too long, you will struggle to re-connect and things like depression and cyber-addiction, eating disorders and self harm can go unnoticed.
The less time you spend with them, the more they will feel like outsiders. If you feel there is a wall between you, then it is time to break it down.
Make time for just the two of you or as a family. Doing something together, no strings attached and no pep talks. It can be walking the dog, working in the garden, having dinner together every night or watching a movie.
Do not be discouraged if your teenager are not over excited about this venture. You must persevere and make sure the connection stays there, so they know that you are reachable if they really need you.
MOST IMPORTANTLY Love your teenager and remember that you were also one once
We sometimes tend to forget that we put our parents through the same issues and behaviour. (suddenly a lot of things make sense in hind sight)
It can be very difficult to have a teenager in the house, to cope with the mood swings, the eye rolls so loud you can hear it in the next room and the attitudes and crying and shouting.
Try and remember that this is a child that is trying to find his/her place in society. Understand what they are going through, love them for who they are, build them up and encourage them, but never let go of what is right and what you believe is important to become a good human.
Do not just say Do whatever you want. Even if it does not look like it, teenagers still want your approval and guidance.
When all else fails, pour yourself a glass of wine, take a deep breath and go sit in your garden for a while... Teeanagers tend to come around ..... usually before we strangle them :):)
