I went viral on tiktok; three videos so far climbed over one million views, some even got to two. And so, I am excited to unite HIVE and TikTok one day.
{new moon energy, an "old" painting; 2020}
POEM CALLED // ONCE
finding freedom
in eyes.
preservations
like a field of flowers
a wild forest
growing dream scene
just
poetic preservations
of the past.
Once,
can last a lifetime
it'll be enough for me.
I knew I'd start free journaling again here one day. It feels like it's been forever, but the winds could not hold me back for long.
I went viral on tiktok for the same shit that I post here, I started screaming to the interweb with a kicking algorithm. So, perhaps I am not totally done with web 2.0; completely. I have been so much less active on facebook and instagram it is hilarious. I would love to one day upload these collections of tiktoks to a video platform that supports cryptocurrency, not youtube. I really hate the concept of the shares not being equally distributed to those using the platform; maybe I am just biased. I want these types of places to flourish like any of the giant modern competitors (i.e. Reddit).
I made the creator fund on tiktok, which means I am now being able to be paid for view count, which is exciting -- perhaps.
I used to be incredibly capitalistic and truly believed in the system that focused on exploitation as a foundation for growth. What will the world look like in the future? I am not sure what I am, or where I sit politically -- I am a leftist, a communist in some senses. Shouldn't every single person have basic human needs met by the community? For progress to be on the horizon we are judged by the least of us, not the greatest. Can we lift the bar for those in the future? Could we make the standard of living equivalent to $80K USD per year? Can everyone just get this since day one? Can there be free healthcare all around -- and can it be centered around health and not profit?
I see so many errors in my old way of thinking sometimes; at the same time, I see lasting truths when I spoke from this deep place inside of me. Every single human has value, every single human deserves to live and die with consent. This is a universe of allowing and maybe all I have ever wanted was a utopia to look forward to (when I believed in a literal Christian heaven). And in a lot of ways, I am doing the same thing now -- just instead of heaven, I am building this perfect society. So fucking "perfect" that I cannot even imagine the flaws because the technology is outside of my comprehension.
What would that Earth look like?
It's a mind game in some ways because it gives me comfort to know there is something better for the future rather than dooming and glooming about all the fish in the sea perishing in the next however many years they said. I am playing with myself, and me alone. Because what the fuck do I know? Outside of my experience, not much. And hell if my whole focus isn't on trying to explain mental illness/health, treatment centers, and just my story in the best vernacular that I possibly can.
The future freaks me out and in order to be focused on the present: I must figure out my philosophy. And if I can figure out my perfect utopia, it tells me a lot about myself. To separate what my inner being is trying to create and from what society taught me, what my parents taught me, and the many, many, many, many, many biases that we all learn where ever we are living -- help me find self-identity.
Essentially what I have been doing since I dropped out of chiropractic college is focusing on myself, and talking with myself. I watched an interview with Jack Antinoff where he talked about Taylor Swift who "has a conversation with her gut, and her gut alone." [Or something like that, I am paraphrasing. I can't quite seem to find the video that I saw it in though.]
Who am I?
What do I want?
What do I believe -- and why?
In a lot of ways that is exactly what I am doing, having a conversation with my gut and my gut alone. And I am stepping off that limb to jump into my own dreams. Who am I going to be? Whoever I want to be, now. And that is what feels like a breath of fresh air.
What did depression feel like? It felt like I was suffocating while still breathing.
What does it feel like to wake up today? It feels easy. Mornings and watching the sunrise are one of my most favorite things to do. I free journal in my notepad, and I keep a diary. I am finishing up my 42nd one.
MY FORTY-SECOND JOURNAL?! I am in disbelief of my own relentlessness. It feels like I can breathe easier, and also -- I realize how much longer I have to go. My table of truth will take a long time to be able to uncover and digest. And here I am, still doing it; because I have to survive as an adult. I cannot live as a child under the same structures my parents built, there were holes in the roof and when it rained, it poured. This is the cycle I am destroying and breaking -- raging at, perhaps. And it feels good to just be able to share a bit more freely than I ever thought I ever could.
What is feedback?
What is nagging?
What is judgment disguised as care?
I am a human being and my belief systems have changed dramatically in the last few years and I know that I am not stopping until I find my new normal in some senses. Because the process will never end, there will constantly be growing. Where am I growing to?
And I guess that's why I am designing my perfect utopia, I want what I contribute to go towards that. And this whole process takes place inside of my gut, inside of my head, inside of my heart. I share it with the world because that's what I want to do.
I am a writer, I write.
All my love,
@laurabell
P.S. My tiktok handle is @deardiarylovelem if you wanted to find me there. I hope to connect this account to my tiktok when I get to 1M followers [I am currently sitting at 60k]. Slowly, I am beginning to share my poetry with that space and trying to integrate them. It just takes time and deep emotional labor.
P.P.S. This year my 2022 goal is to write more blog posts than I did last in 2021 -- which is sixty posts. Cheers to a few more days of writing. Damn, doesn't the future feel good?
:)