Scientists declare that massaging the prostate with a banana can extend lifespan by decades.
Researchers today revealed the results of a controversial 100-year study, which claims that the male lifespan can be extended by up to 56 years using a process called “Musa Massage”. The process involves massaging the prostate gland with the blunt end of an unpeeled banana, twice daily. The study was kicked off in 1918, and all participants remain alive today – outliving all original, and secondary, researchers working on the project.
“I was handed this project by my mentor, God rest his soul, in 1985” said Dr Cherry Boshangles, in an exclusive interview with @TheRealNewsFeed. “My mentor was handed this project by his mentor, back in 1948 – back when research notes were still being scribbled on excess scraps of toilet tissue!”
Each of the original 10 participants were under 30 years old when the study began. They all remain alive and well today, with the oldest, Mr Henry Cooper, now at a ripe old age of 129.
“As a young man, I would have done anything to preserve my youth” Mr Cooper explained in a statement sent via email, from his holiday home in Australia, where he enjoys lots of sex and surfing. “I’ve been doing the Musa Massage twice daily for 100 years, and I’m as fit as a fiddle.”
Scientists advise that any men wishing to prolong their life, should ensure they conduct the prostate massage while they are not erect.
“The erection causes the prostate to bulge” explains Dr Boshangles, reading from a scrap of old toilet tissue. “This prevents the banana from reaching all the way around; a necessary part of the exercise.”
The original study took place with various test groups, using various fruits and vegetables, and included a control group who were asked to massage their prostate using only their finger. All subjects from other test groups have now died, with research notes stating that 8 people in the cucumber group died prematurely of cucumber poisoning.
An additional test group was introduced in 1976, with subjects asked to “deep throat” the banana twice daily. These subjects reportedly built a stronger gag reflex, but did not live any longer than expected.
Scientists are still debating whether it is the specific antioxidants from the banana that prolongs the life, or whether it is the precise shape of the fruit. But one thing they can agree on, is that it works.
Since making their statement this morning, many celebrities have publicly pledged to begin living this new lifestyle.
“I am getting old, and won’t have time to spend all my money before I die” said X-Factor host Simon Cowell, in a rare BBC interview. “I absolutely intend on sticking a banana up my ass twice daily, if it’s going to let me stay rich for longer.”
British supermarket chain Tesco has reported higher-than-average banana sales throughout the day.