I know it has been 3 days since I last posted something on steemit. I was busy taking care of my 1-year-old boy.
Most moms will agree that being a mother to a baby boy is twice harder than being a mom to a girl. It is hard because they are so active (in some terms malikot and makulit) and you always need to have your eyes on them to ensure that they will not get hurt when they are playing. Although at the same time, it was fun. My baby boy is just a year old but he already acts like a 3 year old boy, he is so talkative and can do a lot of activities more than what a 1 year old can do.
He is so observant and he always mimics what his dad is doing. I often saw him scanning my phone (yes, he knows how to use it) the way his dad do it with his phone. He even knows how to do some keyboard shortcuts that even I doesn't know (because he saw his dad doing it) I know that he knows what he is doing because when I ask him to return to the page he can do it. He likes to grab a pen and draw lines on a paper or a notebook (I guess he'll be an artist too, just like his dad @deveerei, aunt @jeseemei and grandfather @dwightjaden).
He is also a sweet baby. At his young age, I can really feel his sweetness and it seems he feels the same. He knows when I'm not fine (there are times that I was not and I felt so depressed and stressed because of PPD and my emotional management problem) and he'll crawl right to me and hug me. He also does funny faces to make me smile. I am really amazed by his acts and I really thank God for this wonderful gift that He has given me. My baby ZYL, my happy pill, my everything.
Let me now talk about my journey of being a mom.
Being a mother @23, an early age (here in the Philippines it's still early), is not an easy job; not an easy task for me. It is indeed a big responsibility. Yes, I like babies and kids, but I never dreamt of being a mother after I was diagnosed with a POS (that can affect the baby's growth). Not because I hate the feeling nor I don't want, but because I know myself that I can't handle it being a mother (sickness, struggles, and depression). Sickness, because my OB (when I was in high school) told me that I only have 10% chance to bear a child in the future and it will be a difficult pregnancy plus the chance that the baby may die inside my womb. Struggles and depression, because I can see it through my mom, It's hard to balance time when you're working and wanting to become a full-time mom to your child. I understand that she works for us but there are times I just wished she's just by my side. Especially those times I'm not okay (when emotional management problems attack), and I just want a mother by my side to comfort me. But, just like my Mommy, I also want to work for my son to ensure his future but I know he needs me more that's why I decided to quit my job and stay at home to take care of my son. I don't want him to feel that he lacks attention like me, that's my emotional problem. I feel like my mom's attention for me is not enough. I want my son to always see and feel that he is loved and well taken care of.
Knowing and living with the reality that I can't have my own child is nothing for me before. Remember, I was only in high school when I was diagnosed with POS. So I don't think about it too much. But when I reached the age of 22 I have friends who became mother's already, and I can see in their faces the joy that their babies bring to them. I started to think and told myself that I can't have that joy because I am not capable of being a mother. So I always volunteer to become a godmother "Ninang" to their children (that's why I have a long list of inaanak. hahaha).
Come the time of April 2016, during my follow-up check-up, (after being admitted to the hospital due to acid refluxes), my doctor told me to visit an OB-GYN to undergo an ultrasound test to check my stomach and all, to see why I still feel pain in my lower abdomen and still having acid reflux and feeling dizzy from time to time. After an hour the OB said that I have clear and good ultrasound result, but she then said because I have previously diagnosed with POS I won't know if I'm pregnant because my menstrual cycle is not normal and regular (I don't get the usual monthly red days, sometimes there's 3 months of delay or even 6 months; then I'll have it for the whole month or even more), so she told me to undergo urine pregnancy test. At first, I said how come, how will that happen if I have POS but I listened to the OB and did a pregnancy test. And (tadaaaaaah!) two lines pop-in, meaning I'm pregnant. Mixed emotions came in, I was happy and scared at the same time. Happy because ("wow") I am a mom now, scared because I have POS and how's the baby going to deal it. The OB told me right away that I have to undergo a "TransV" (to check the baby's pulse, to know the weeks or months too). During transV ultrasound, the OB-GYN told me that I was 2 months pregnant already. The acid refluxes, the dizziness, and vomiting that I'm experiencing the past few weeks were all signs of the 1st trimester of pregnancy.
Hearing Zion's first heartbeat is really heart-melting, I can't say anything but "thank GOD" for this wonderful blessing. I know I'm not yet prepared during those times but I just have high hopes that I can survive. I made sure that I had monthly check-ups with my OB-GYN to ensure my baby's health status. Super strong emotions are starting. Judgements (because I came from a Christian family and yet I was still unmarried that time), negative comments and hurtful words are coming from different people. Some friends, relatives and other churchmates. I almost suffered from a heart attack because of too much stressed and depression they caused me but because my boyfriend/husband @deveerei is there, my parents and grandparents, and most of all GOD, I learned to face them.
After 9 months of pregnancy, the long time waiting for the baby to come out is over. I really thought that it would be hard to give birth, because that's what other moms say (masakit mag labor, mahirap manganak kase kalahati ng katawan mo nasa hukay), but for me, I had a smooth labor, my water broke around 7:50 am and then from our room the nurses, OB and other doctors rushed me to the delivery room and I gave birth at 8:03 am on November 24, 2016.
During Zion's first birthday celebration, I was really proud to stand in front and say this piece: (before giving my birthday message to ZYL)
"Today, I also want to celebrate that I survived the first year of being a MOTHER. Depression, Struggles, Tasks, Responsibilities, I don't think I can overcome but I did. Yes, people would see me strong (cause I'm a trying hard strong person), but what they don't know is that I am as weak as a dying person but because ZION came into my life he is a perfect proof that I am a strong person and a strong mom. He is the pillar of my strength, he is my happy pill, he is my comfort little buddy, my everything. Now I can say (with raised eyebrows) "thank you for all the judgement, negative comments, and hurtful words, from people (my haters I think), because you all made me even stronger now, instead of me dwelling with your negativity, I've proven that I' m the opposite of what you think."
(If ever you are wondering why I have the nerve to thank them for saying negative comments against me and how they will hear it? well, they are invited to my son's birthday. They have no idea how much impact they did during my pregnancy and my 1st year of being a mom)
And just to share with you my short but full of love birthday message for ZYL, here it is:
"To my baby ZION YURIE LOUIS, my love for you is infinite, thank you for bringing happiness to my life. Mommy will do everything for you and I can sacrifice anything for you my dear son. I will always be by your side. I pray to God to give you a healthy life and make you a good boy. And just trust and have faith in HIM and everything will be fine. No matter how hard life is, with God I know we can make it through. I love you so much ZYL, Happy Happy 1st birthday!"
It is true that when you become a mother everything will change. First will be your priorities. Now, ZYL is my priority and not my personal needs and wants. His happiness is my happiness.
I hope you enjoy reading my not so dramatic journey of being a mother. :)
