I live in the LA area. Yes, Los Angeles. Land of the "always looking for bigger and better" men.
I had seen it with friends. With strangers around me, but never really experienced it until the last relationship I wrote about the last time I wrote...far too long ago.
I got caught up in grad school and heartache.
I didn't know he was following suit with many men before; with all the women that did not know love until a man broke their heart. He didn't tell me. He told a mutual friend. That friend told me.
He asked my ex what happened. His response, "if I could get her. Someone I never thought I could have. Who else could I have?"
Have.
HAVE.
What am I? A prize? A show pony? A fucking shiny, brand new Cadillac?
I sat and thought about it for a few moments. Silently crying. Tears slowly streaming down my face. Staring blankly ahead as I felt the force of his words knock the wind out of me.
I loved him. I really loved him. And, I believed him when he told me the same. His actions spoke greater volumes, and I believed those as well. But, to him, I was something to conquer.
As with most women, I am sure, I shut down and felt as though I could never be attracted to anyone again.
Handsome faces, fit bodies, none of that draws me in...
That's what made the possibility difficult for me. I have to get to know someone to be attracted to them, and I wasn't open to even learning someone's first name.
Someone very unexpected changed that for me.
I have a coworker. He's been there for a year. He will leave next fall to attend grad school in Texas, or head back to New York. I always saw him as this stuffy, conservative , over eager kid. (He's 10 years my junior).
He irritated me.
Then, one evening we had a meeting and all decided to go to a local Irish pub and have a few drinks.
I arrived with another coworker after everyone else had settled in. She seated herself in the corner; leaving the only seat available next to him. I internally rolled my eyes...
I sat next to him. The bar was loud. We were at a large table. 12 of us in total. Everyone began drinking, and slowly the table split in to separate conversations. Reluctantly, I engaged in the conversation he initiated.
And, discovered just how wrong I was about him.
He was funny, and charming. Cultured and not at all conservative. Open-minded, and had great taste in music.
And OH MY GOD, am I attracted to him?
We looked around and realized everyone was far gone. Drunk and giggling, barely able to formulate complete sentences. Far more intoxicated than we were. We weren't at all.W e spent the remaining 4 hours of the evening talking and getting to know each other. I admitted that I had misjudged him. He told me he always thought I was cool (I'm an asshole). I bought him a beer at the end (I owed another coworker one, and it helped me reach the card minimum). Besides, it gave me an excuse to say he owed me one next time...
A few weeks passed. We saw each other at work. And, then another meeting and "after party"...
But, I didn't want to go out to a bar with everyone.
I suggested we stay in and hang out. Nothing weird, just innocent hanging out.
We went to his place. At 6pm. And, stayed up talking until 4am.
He played guitar and sang. We talked about everything.
It was easy.
I realized more and more how handsome he was.
And, more importantly a solid man. He didn't try anything.
We just flirted and talked.
I was too tired to drive home, so I crashed at his place for a bit.
He made sure I was comfortable and slept next to me in the bed.
He was respectful.
I am 35 years old, and it has been a long while since I've been around a man that was respectful like this.
It was a good feeling; a great feeling.
We hung out again at my place a week later, though not as late...we had work the next day.
I told him how attractive I found him, he didn't believe me at first.
It was all innocent. I just felt like he needed to know how handsome and amazing he was.
It was getting late. Neither of us wanted to say goodbye, but had to.
Another week passed and he headed back to the east coast for the holidays.
We go back to work on Wednesday.
This will probably and most likely amount to nothing. And, that's ok.
He did so much for me and I wish I could tell him that, but I probably won't until he leaves for good.
Sometimes people come in to your life and remind you that there are still good people in the world.
I needed the reminder that men can be good to me. Respectful of me.
I love men.
That never changed.
I had just forgotten that they can love me too.
And, now I've been reminded that it is possible....again.