There are triggers for my anxiety and PTSD everywhere. Sometimes I can avoid them or know exactly what caused it. Sometimes I am clueless why I feel a sense of complete foreboding and like I am going to just disappear. Or worse not disappear fast enough. I am not always sure why watching a particular scene in a movie makes me feel anxiety. Or someone not wanting me to hold their hand or lean on them makes me feel unwanted and unlovable.
I am as layered as my fall hiking outfits. My top layer is the layer that has to actually exist and move forward so some things it just pushes aside to deal with later. It takes the wind and rain of my everyday life. Those next few layers are really just there to keep me warm. They buffer my past crap and pain just enough to make them bearable but still let me feel them so I can process and move on. The last is to keep me from chaffing, to minimize the stark rawness! (Skinny girls chaff too). When I start to strip them off (feel free to imagine totally sexy high heels and awesome dance moves but its way more like Jamie Lee Curtis in True Lies. Sexy and awesome until she falls over!) I can get in there and really figure out why something makes me react the way I do and try to heal that.
Real me is an onion, learning to accept that “after” me has to work through the hurty parts. It’s the only way to never go back to “before’ me. A therapist who specializes in trauma, PTSD, and anxiety has been paramount. If you are having a hard time I recommend seeking one out. Mine uses EMDR and EFT along with other methods to help me process emotions through other pathways.
