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Should or shouldn't I open myself on the internet?
One side of me said some things should stay unspoken and the other said what do you have to be embarrassed about?
It wasn't until @olegw solved my dilemma when he said: "I know you love Steemit, and I know you believe in it, just go for it." Big thanks to him.
Thank you @dumar022 for nominating me and thanks to @tamacvet for creating this wonderful challenge - Art of Knowing Yourself - Challenge
Philosophy on life and how I deal with negativity
If you deeply looked at my profile picture you will realize it's yin-yang.
Yin-yang represents 2 forces, one is negative while other is positive, they are contrary and complementary at the same time.
I like to live my life by yin-yang, although I'm not obsessed with it, nor do I try to hassle people with it.
When I feel happy I am happy when I am sad I am sad, I don't pretend to not be one or other.
If you wonder why I will ask you a life-changing question.
Would you recognize happiness if you were never sad?
I love to spread those good vibes and positivity, but where does my negativity go?
I try to use that negativity as a fuel for making stuff happen.
It's not always like that though.
Sometimes even positivity420 gets eaten up by so much negativity that he can't spread those good vibes anymore. But he doesn't go around spreading those bad vibes, he rather makes a little bit of distance from people until he finds a way to use that negativity in a good way.
History of positivity420
I was born on a mattress because it was snowing and the ambulance couldn't get through the snow! I had a tick on my umbilical cord until they came and handed my father a pair of scissors to cut it.
The first time I got stopped by police they thought I was trolling them. They asked where I was born and I said on a bed instead of Zagreb. I didn't know they meant the city in which I was born. :)
I lived my life minimalistic, not because I wanted to, but it never got to me in a negative way. I am grateful for it because I wouldn't be the person I am today.
When other kids were rolling on the floor in the store and screaming uncontrollably because they didn't get what they wanted I was thinking what can I make by re-using things that I had.
8-12 years old
When I was 8 we had some planks in our backyard that were ready to go to trash. I didn't want to "waste" them so I made a little house out of them. I enjoyed every single second of making it and spending time in it with my friends.
My sister's flip-flop broke I repaired it with styrofoam that I found wandering the streets.
I loved making paper boats, paper airplanes, and paper hats.
I improvised slingshots from the tip of the bottle + a balloon.
I loved making little holes in the ground, put the foil in them and made little "lakes". Yes, when I was a kid those were my lakes, not holes in the ground. :')
At this age, I didn't have a quality ball for football, and if you used cheap ones, they get destroyed easier than the balls I made. My ball was a plastic bag with crumpled newspapers in it, and I wouldn't want to trade that for the world. You could throw it in thorns, mud, get it run over by a car, just add a little bit more paper and it was still ballin'. Luckily my father was working with newspapers so I could've used them in any way I thought of.
Pretty much anything that broke or was going to waste, I always tried to get creative with it and re-use it.
I loved to run barefoot with my friends on steaming hot asphalt. I loved to climb trees to the highest, tiniest branch, I loved to fall from the tree and get back up to that tiniest branch. Now when I am writing this post, I never stopped to think and realize, I knew how to get back up.
I loved to "steal" cherries, hazelnuts, walnuts... Everything that was edible, I picked it from any tree I saw, never cared if it was anyone's tree. (It was wrong but I was a kid)
12-14 years old
When I was 12, I was deeply depressed, I was so damaged I couldn't get out of bed. I was broke, I got my front tooth knocked out and I was awakened almost daily in 4 in the morning with yelling, dirty words and often ashtrays breaking. I just wanted to sleep it out so I don't deal with it. I wasn't strong enough to get out of bed and tell my parents to shut the fuck up and stop with all that negativity.
Hey, but who is with 12 years old? If you know someone, my hat's off to that person.
Combine that scene almost every day with 2 year period of no electricity and water cut off and then you will realize why I just wanted to sleep it out.
It was a very rough period. Candles lit, begging for water from neighbors and the laughs from peers.
I had one jeans and I was fine with it.
It got to me when peers started whispering to one another when they saw me in the hall.
They saw that I wore same black jeans for the whole week, every week.
It wasn't until they became gray that I told my mother to get me another pair so I can switch them up every day.
After a while, without electricity, we had to steal it. We couldn't bear with it anymore.
Then one morning, my sisters and I heard a very strong "bzzzzzz" and the whole house shook, I screamed "mom!" I thought she died on the spot. But luckily only the current line caught on fire and that house never had electricity again.
This is also the time my family fell apart. We moved to my grandmothers. And my - now, single mother with 3 of us (I have 2 sisters) had to pay half of the rent and buy food to the fridge. After all of that, you can assume how much money she had left.
How are you supposed to get back on your feet like that? This was the time I stopped caring about extended family - grandmother and others.
Since I wasn't living in the neighborhood I lost contact with all my friends and became so anti-social that I didn't need love from anyone or talk to anyone.
14 - 16 years old
I was fed up, ran away from home and lived with gypsies for 4 months (I only came back home because I had no other choice since I was still a kid) not gonna go in extensive details here because a lot of things happened in this period that isn't for everyone's ears.
I finished elementary school and I didn't want to go to high school. I wanted to work and make my family some money so we live a better life. My mother insisted that I should go to high school so I don't end up like all those "bums". I tried, I really tried to go, I went for a while but it wasn't my thing.
I couldn't stand teachers, they treated us all the same, but we weren't, and I wasn't the type of guy to tell them that I had problems in my life.
Having to learn about things that I don't care about just so I can get a grade I don't care about from a person I don't care about wasn't my thing. I never understood peers who cried if they got a bad grade.
Since I had to come back home I still couldn't stand my grandparents' authority because I am not the type of guy to follow someone's rules if I have my OWN path!
So again I ran away from home.
I tried to get back with my father, I lived with him again without electricity or water, but since I was older it wasn't a big deal. We hooked up aggregate when we needed electricity. We repaired cars, scooters, bikes, anything with a motor or tires.
Eventually, as he got used to living alone, and I closed myself so hard that even a tank couldn't get to me, we split up.
16-18 years old
Just as all of my ships sailed my friend came to me and said: "Hey bro, you wanna work?"
OF COURSE!
It was the best time of my life. Freshly 16 years old, working in a pretty lousy cafe bar where most customers were regulars and 90% of them drank beer only. Easiest job I could've asked for.
This is the time where I soaked so much knowledge that I couldn't get if I went to 10 high schools.
I had money, full fridge, we moved out of my grandmothers and I was finally free!
They expelled me from that school because I wasn't "attending".
I was 16, partying, hanging out with the best and worst people, smoking weed and a little bit of other stuff.
I got fired from my job because of inspection and I didn't know what to do when my other friend mentioned he had a scholarship.
This was it, I applied to that school and I got the European scholarship.
I went to different high school this time with the biggest smile in my life.
The first year of high school done when I get a call that my scholarship for the second year is canceled.
I searched for ways how to get a job as a minor because in our country that is illegal.
Nobody would hire me, I was too young, inexperienced in their eyes. With the classic "it's too much of a risk to employ you".
I understood that and I was at peace with it, but I didn't know what to do or where to go. Now even I thought that I will end up just like any other bum.
Some time passed and my sister got a boyfriend, he had a job of selling little cards for kids with autism, down syndrome and cerebral paralysis.
One was 15 kn (approx. 2.5 dollars) and the seller got 5 kn (approx. 0.85 dollars) for each card sold. The rest went to kids and a percentage to our employer.
I was 17 years old and I was such a good salesman that I crushed my colleagues, I had their numbers on the 3rd day of the job.
Can't say it wasn't lucrative some days, others, on the other hand, I came home with nothing in my pocket, or in little debt haha
Before you judge me, whenever I saw a person on crutches, wheelchair, or with autism, down syndrome and cerebral I gave them the cards for free and explained what's it all about.
This was again my age of partying, weed and a bit of everything. Eventually, I got so much in weed and other that I was so weak in my mind. And when you stand on your feet all day selling cards to strangers on -5 and on 30 degrees in the middle of the street where every other person sends you to you know where. So I quit my job.
This was the peak of my bad decisions as I was selling dope, hanging out with scum, smoking 10-20 joints a day, neglecting my family, lost the relationship I have with them and ruining myself because I was too blind to see what and who I have in my life.
I finally got struck by everything when I saw how other families were like and mine was nowhere near it. Our relationship was nonexistent and I had an obligation that I promised myself that my family is my priority now and I will make it at least somewhat normal as other families are.
18th came and I went to Germany, I came with 100 euros and 10 packs of homemade smokes, I was supposed to be there for a week and come back to Croatia, but I found a job as an armored-concrete master. I worked for 3 months before my nerves ate up my weight. I lost 7 kg.
It was all because of the brother of my now - sisters husband, not gonna say that in details, but let's say some things are just too stupid and some people just create problems out of thin air.
Came back to Croatia and found a job as a construction worker, again, I was supposed to be "help out" for 1 week. Good money for one week, the boss asked me if I want a job with "couple kunas (our currency)" less per hour because that week he didn't pay taxes. Okay, I needed money so I worked for a month and a half and I caught the flu. I was in my bed that morning, called my employer and said: "Hey boss, I am sick but I will come if I have to."
My employer said: "Not a chance, you will make my other workers sick, go to the doctor and get doctor's notice for why aren't you working."
And that's what I did, but then 2 days passed as I see in the mailbox a letter for me. I got fired in a notice for breaking the contract because as stated in it - I didn't tell my employer why I'm not coming to work (Is he for real?)
Now you know what Croatia is like and why people run away from here to work abroad.
Again my problem solving was drugs and it almost cost me my life. A couple of centimeters and my reflexes millisecond too late were the difference between me writing this post, presenting myself to you and being 2 meters under ground. This is the time when I swore I won't work for anyone ever again. I work for myself and on myself - because I need to work on myself a lot.
Present day
A month ago I became 19 year old. I've been Steeming for a couple of months now. I can't say anything except how life changing this platform can be if you put in the effort and if you're not fake. I met 8 people from Steemit in real life. They are all full of positivity and they are such wonderful people that I can't believe they exist.
I try to invest as much as I can in steem power, but Steemit is my partial income so I still have to cash out once in a while.
Although I never powered down nor do I plan to in the near future.
I try to educate myself daily, and if I don't then at least I work on my rap skills, singing and things I am good at, as well as meeting new people, making projects, collaborations and just spreading those good vibes.
I am still working on my task that I promised myself - I improved the whole family relations by a mile because I realized how powerful communication is but it still ain't enough in my opinion. And it never will be. For me, nothing is done and nothing is perfect, everything and everyone can do better.
I am a person that fucks up and I am a person that repairs. I am a lot serious about everything these days, but when I recognize teasing and joking around I go with the flow.
I feel the time is getting to me, as I have made mistakes that made me, so most of my friends are angry at me for making a distance between them and me, but we aren't all in the same basket. I don't mind having a couple of friends, and I don't even care if they're real or not.
I know I got my back, as I have learned it the hard way. I strive to be the better person than I was yesterday, every day. I don't stress about the things that I can't control anymore.
I love to motivate people and I love to see them succeed. I love every decision, mistake, and everything in my life that made me as I am now.
I love my family. I love who I am, just imperfect as I am.
Conclusion
I have no more words left or will to go more in-depth than it is. I hope you enjoyed the adventure of positivity420 and if you haven't... I don't care to be honest.
Nominations
I nominate @exanime15 and @maryfavour to make their own stories about them trying to know themselves.
Check the original post by @tamacvet:
Art of Knowing Yourself - Challenge
Stay positive, driven and keep spreading those good vibes! 💚 Love from positivity420
