"Yesterday is gone and its tale told. Today new seeds are growing." ~ Rumi
This topic came quite organically through the deep heart discussion between friends - baring our wounds for all the world to see here on Steemit. The word 'forgiveness' was brought up in the context of parental abandonment. A particularly deep wound for anyone to carry in life. Are some wounds too deep to forgive? I am quite apt at forgiveness but I had to admit, I wasn't entirely sure where I stood or how much I really understand about forgiveness in relation to something like this.
I always find this particular topic very difficult to discuss with other people. Indeed, I hold this pain close to me very tightly as an almost protectionism that still permeates my being out of my love and compassion - being the ever loving daughter/empath that helps, not hurts. Or perhaps it is my inability to understand the un-natural comportment unbecoming of a mother that is incapable of 'love'- and while I am still (and probably always will be) in the process of healing and understanding, the meaning for this is lost to me within the turbulent struggle to find that safe harbor of wisdom.
As I often do, I capture my deepest moments in writing. A most potent moment in the process of facing truth, raw and unedited, unapologetic clarity in motion:
A clean page in which to spill the soils of my emotional debris...
I sit here swimming in tears, I wonder:
What would life be like had I a mother that truly loved me. Is it even responsible of me to entertain this thought? Does it even matter what could have been rather than what is?
I tumble through the memories on a daily basis, trying to find a morsel that proves that love existed. I listen intently, observe and wait for hope to somehow present itself in my mother's eyes, in her words and in her actions. I cling to superficial moments that resemble love and caring - I recognize my role as daughter....I recognize the ideal of our roles as mother/daughter we are playing out but somehow never real enough to hold onto. Inevitably, each moment leads to mis-placed hope in something that charades itself as love but in reality, it's shadow. And while I have spent my entire life, chasing love's shadow (unknowingly), I am left with an empty cup stained with the tears of love's longing. And you, my dear mother, left with no cup at all.
This was written two years ago, just prior to my mother walking out of my life. There is no reasoning in this other than my mother has never been well - something that is a bi-product of her own childhood. However, she has broken and walked out on so many people that I have loved over the years - two of which died as a result. That's really hard to absorb. I always thought that I could heal her with love (after all love heals all), but love has to have a place to grow and not everyone has this capacity.
No, none of this is fair or right. It is the ultimate betrayal and through these two years I have entered into many stages of grief, sadness, anger because of it. Writing down the reflections of my soul in order to find some semblance of meaning and peace. And then one day, it happened - not exactly what I expected or the happy ending I had hoped for....but the process of writing through one of my painful moments, what my hand wrote out was "acceptance".
That was a big moment for me and I knew it at the time. Is acceptance one of the first steps to forgiveness?
Why I chose the topic of Forgiveness
There are many reasons why I chose this topic. Not only did I think it might help me understand it more for my own life, but I run into a lot of wounded people - too many. I cannot count how many times I have met complete strangers that have poured out similar stories to me just needing someone to listen or give them a hug and say, "I am sorry that happened to you."
Honestly, I believe we are all just a little bit wounded if only for the fact that we live in a world that is often times on fire. For those of us that are empathetically inclined, we tend to make it our mission to save others in an attempt to save ourselves, to make things right. The tragedy is that we can't really save the ones we love - this is a personal passage that everyone must walk on their own. It's a choice.
In fact, the world is full of sad songs that make us cry - this lyrics we call life is played in our hearts and minds for as long as human beings have existed on this planet. This sad song that makes us ache only because we are in constant search for that happy ending. When in fact, the ideals that we hold sacred, we never truly measure up to. Therefore we must first acknowledge the tragedy and frame that sad moment by saying, "IT HAPPENED". It's a proclamation that says, "we exist and we felt something". To feel, is to be human.
I think the world could use a lot more 'forgiveness' because without it, we are destined to self project and continue down this path of unrealized happiness, compassion...love.
With statistics for suicide reaching 800,000 a year, there is obviously a need for us to address these underlying issues. As well, why our ideals of happiness don't quite match up with the world that we have created.
Here's another disturbing statistic: ACEs ( Adverse Childhood Experiences Study) exposure is widespread in the US, one study from the National Survey of Children’s Health reported that approximately 68% of children 0–17 years old had experienced one or more ACEs. Source
We seem to spend more of our energy on cleaning up toxicity in the environment, and yet the toxic emotions we carry inside go largely unattended to. And obviously with statistics like these, it 'matters'.
However, there isn't anyone that knowingly doesn't choose happiness. But if we don't understand what makes us happy, then that pursuit for happiness becomes meaningless. Happiness becomes merely a word we tell ourselves as if just saying it will trick our minds into thinking it is true.
But the heart knows differently...
What truly makes us happy is expansion in our lives: growing and experiencing something new, learning something that stretches the boundaries of our own limited thought/emotion. Without this, we continue to play the same story in our minds and become stagnated. We can't continue brushing our unrealized thoughts and feelings under the rug. Ultimately, this is what forgiveness offers us - an opportunity to break free from that internal narrative and the chains that bind us. It offers us freedom to move on and be all that we can be in our lives.
And just to be clear - I still believe in 'happy endings' ;)
What I hope will come of exploring Forgiveness with you:
It is my intention that by exploring the deeper meaning of forgiveness for myself that it will also inspire others to join me in this journey. It is my hope that by the end of this, we all understand a little bit more and give greater value to the process of forgiveness so that we can in turn make the world a better place.
I am also including some art I created in the process of this post - it is a new tool for me which I am learning to use to express what sometimes words do not.
Ready?
"If you want to see the brave, look to those who can return love for hatred. If you want to see the heroic, look to those who can forgive." ~ Bhagavad Gita
What exactly is Forgiveness?
The common and most misinterpreted version of forgivess:
Contrary to popular belief, forgiveness is NOT about condoning or accepting the act that led us to our suffering and it is NOT about forgetting. Oh yes, we've had it all wrong!
Yet, it is interesting that society expects us to 'forgive' based on this misconception. "You must forgive and forget", this is the message that we're typically given immediately following a traumatic event in our lives. I would add that grieving is handled with the same constraints. The urgency for forgiveness puts a lot of un-necessary pressure on people to forgive when they are still processing the hurt. It's important to have that time to process the hurt. You might actually find yourself proclaiming your 'forgiveness' in order to measure up to what is expected of you or what you have perceived as 'rational' behavior - "Yeah, I should forgive and let go" because this is the right thing to do. However, what this actually does is teach you how to stuff all that unfinished hurt inside. And guess what? That will eventually revisit you and bite you in the butt!
Something else that forgiveness isn't is a quick fix or short cut to healing. And no, absolutely not, "Learning to Let Go and Be Like Water" is not going to cut it when it comes to 'real forgiveness'. This is the packaged version of forgiveness you'll find on the internet and self help books but this will lead you no where and certainly won't help guide you through forgiveness.
In actuality, it might take some moving through the hurt in order to even take that huge step of considering forgiveness. There is no time-line here - forgiveness is a process that you work toward. It might take months, years or a lifetime. And even still, it might never completely be reached - especially if the hurt is too deep. And that is 'okay', too.
FORGIVENESS IS A 'GIFT' WE GIVE OURSELVES.
In truth, forgiveness has nothing to do with the person that harmed or betrayed us. It's for YOU and has everything to do with setting ourselves free and choosing to no longer define ourselves by the act that was done to us. It is saying, "My life matters and while I know what you did, and it's not okay, I recognize that YOU are more than that and I no longer want to hold us captive to this anymore. I am capable of healing myself and I don't need anything from you." How does this feel to you to say? Pay attention to that.
Understand that this is not an easy place to reach. It is comparably a milestone in a long process that begins with a great deal of pain, bitterness, resentment, anger. That is where forgiveness grows out of...when we realize the price of holding onto this story is too much of a burden to our lives that we choose to free ourselves from it in order to move forward with 'life'. And it is worth every single tear! However, it is not for the faint of heart.
One can even say that remaining stuck in this story we have built around the main character, the villain of our pain, is far easier than breaking free of it. We become intertwined with the story we have created in our minds mulling it over and over until it becomes a familiar part of us and our identity. All because of that one moment, one day, one event - destined to live in the pain/anger/sadness for an eternity. We become tethered to that person, dragging them with us through the years, choosing to do so at our own detriment.
Entering into Forgiveness
One of the key components of forgiveness is actually 'compassion'. Forgiveness and compassion are both very intimately related. Having compassion and forgiving someone that has betrayed or hurt you deeply is sometimes very difficult to even think about, let alone 'do'.
One of the things that has helped me over the years is the realization that human beings do very human things that are not always perfect or right (not exactly reflective our our true self). And because we are mostly all wounded in some capacity, we tend to carry this around with us, self projecting what we feel on the inside to the outside world. It's kind of like a haunting and unawareness that we hap-hazardly act out from such a small piece of ourselves (although, unfortunately, made to be a significant importance).
When we understand that the world around us is nothing less than a mirror from which we have become from within, you realize that most of what we experience from other people isn't really 'personal' - making it a lot easier to feel a sense of compassion without getting trapped inside the story.
A personal example:
I once had a very gifted poet friend that wrote the most beautiful poems...very deep and pure, very wise. Every once in a while he would go on a rampage of poetic suicide, punishing everyone in his path for his own inner darkness. I couldn't tell you what was going on in his personal life but I could tell he carried a lot. It was always so upsetting to me and everyone else to witness this. In fact, this very last time, he had pushed the limits of the community so much outside of the lines that he was on his way to being banned.
Ironically, he never spoke in regular sentences, he only spoke in prose - an odd bird, indeed, but he had many times pushed me to the edges of my own human understanding and provoked some of my best poems. There was a respect between us spoken only in the language of poetry that I felt compelled to send him off with a poem to leave him with some vestiges of grace.
To Be Human
I hold you in great esteem
no matter the mood
It is not important whether your words
slight daggers of painful knowns
Or if they swell up in tears of
laughter and joy
It is all the same beautiful day
lest light or dark, dawn or dusk
For in this ever present state,
one is drawn to truth
And oft the weary traveler,
the dedicated soldier of life,
will lay down his head and cry tears of contempt
Not to stir the darkness but to lay waste what he holds dear -
to tempt what he does not understand inside himself
It is then that he receives the greatest miracle of ALL
It is then that the silence becomes filled with what his soul understands
So that he may proceed into Greatness.
As his last gesture, for the first time in four years, he spoke in normal language, "Thank you for this, I am humbled."
This is what self projection looks like when we hold onto the endless ocean of suffering to which we are unable to carry the full measure of that sorrow within ourselves. This affects 'everyone' as the circles of connection between us as a human family are very linked by the lives we lead.
Therefore, forgiveness becomes an honorable practice
Again, forgiveness does not mean that we condone what happened in the past. It's not forgive and forget. It can also mean having the resolve to never let this happen again.
It does not mean that you have to speak to or relate to a person either. It's really NOT about 'them'. It is a deep process of the heart just as grieving is.
Forgiveness is about living out of the beauty of your soul and the willingness to fulfill your life. It is a commitment you make to yourself.
There are a couple ancient traditions of forgiveness that I have always found to be thought-provoking and inspiring, but I'd like to share this one in particular because it gives an added emphasis on the power of forgiveness and how it affects others (and ourselves):
Ho'oponopono - An ancient Hawaiian practice of reconciliation and forgiveness
In many Polynesian cultures,it is believed that a person's errors (called hara or hala) caused illness.
"Hoʻoponopono" is defined in the Hawaiian Dictionary as:
(a) "To put to rights; to put in order or shape, correct, revise, adjust, amend, regulate, arrange, rectify, tidy up make orderly or neat, administer, superintend, supervise, manage, edit, work carefully or neatly; to make ready, as canoemen preparing to catch a wave."
(b) "Mental cleansing: family conferences in which relationships were set right (hoʻoponopono) through prayer, discussion, confession, repentance, and mutual restitution and forgiveness. Source
Excerpt From 'Zero Limits' By Joe Vitale & Dr. Hew Len:
Two years ago, I heard about a therapist in Hawaii who cured a complete ward of criminally insane patients--without ever seeing any of them. The psychologist would study an inmate's chart and then look within himself to see how he created that person's illness. As he improved himself, the patient improved.
When I first heard this story, I thought it was an urban legend. How could anyone heal anyone else by healing himself? How could even the best self-improvement master cure the criminally insane?
It didn't make any sense. It wasn't logical, so I dismissed the story.
However, I heard it again a year later. I heard that the therapist had used a Hawaiian healing process called ho 'oponopono. I had never heard of it, yet I couldn't let it leave my mind. If the story was at all true, I had to know more.
I had always understood "total responsibility" to mean that I am responsible for what I think and do. Beyond that, it's out of my hands. I think that most people think of total responsibility that way. We're responsible for what we do, not what anyone else does. The Hawaiian therapist who healed those mentally ill people would teach me an advanced new perspective about total responsibility.
His name is Dr. Ihaleakala Hew Len. We probably spent an hour talking on our first phone call. I asked him to tell me the complete story of his work as a therapist. He explained that he worked at Hawaii State Hospital for four years. That ward where they kept the criminally insane was dangerous. Psychologists quit on a monthly basis. The staff called in sick a lot or simply quit. People would walk through that ward with their backs against the wall, afraid of being attacked by patients. It was not a pleasant place to live, work, or visit.
Dr. Len told me that he never saw patients. He agreed to have an office and to review their files. While he looked at those files, he would work on himself. As he worked on himself, patients began to heal.
"After a few months, patients that had to be shackled were being allowed to walk freely," he told me. "Others who had to be heavily medicated were getting off their medications. And those who had no chance of ever being released were being freed."
I was in awe.
"Not only that," he went on, "but the staff began to enjoy coming to work. Absenteeism and turnover disappeared. We ended up with more staff than we needed because patients were being released, and all the staff was showing up to work. Today, that ward is closed."
This is where I had to ask the million dollar question: "What were you doing within yourself that caused those people to change?"
"I was simply healing the part of me that created them," he said.
I didn't understand.
Dr. Len explained that total responsibility for your life means that everything in your life - simply because it is in your life--is your responsibility. In a literal sense the entire world is your creation.
Whew. This is tough to swallow. Being responsible for what I say or do is one thing. Being responsible for what everyone in my life says or does is quite another. Yet, the truth is this: if you take complete responsibility for your life, then everything you see, hear, taste, touch, or in any way experience is your responsibility because it is in your life.
This means that anything you experience and don't like--is up for you to heal. They don't exist, in a manner of speaking, except as projections from inside you. The problem isn't with them, it's with you, and to change them, you have to change you.
I know this is tough to grasp, let alone accept or actually live. Blame is far easier than total responsibility, but as I spoke with Dr. Len, I began to realize that healing for him and in ho'oponopono means loving yourself. If you want to improve your life, you have to heal your life. If you want to cure anyone--even a mentally ill criminal--you do it by healing you.
I asked Dr. Len how he went about healing himself. What was he doing, exactly, when he looked at those patients' files?
"I just kept saying, 'I'm sorry' and 'I love you' over and over again," he explained.
Now, you can certainly take this with a grain of salt, but I can tell you that I have experienced similar outcomes with the power of prayer when done with the intensity of the heart. And science is learning that this is not so far-fetched. I can think of more than a few examples in science where this is given relevance:
- The Placebo Effect
- Dr. Emoto's experiments with water crystals Source
- Dr. Tiller's large body of work involving human thoughts/emotions on its environment Source
- Dr. Radin's groundbreaking work with the double slit experiment (how the observer affects the outcome)
- Dr. Rupert Sheldrake's studies and experiments with morphic fields and resonance Source and there are many, many more to dive into to further support that something like prayer or thought or strong emotion does in fact affect not only ourselves, the world but also those around us.
Hmmmmm Imagine the possibilities!
Forgiveness spans many ancient texts and cultures, too:
Judaism
In Judaism, one must go to those he has harmed in order to be entitled to forgiveness. [One who sincerely apologizes three times for a wrong committed against another has fulfilled their obligation to seek forgiveness. (Shulchan Aruch) OC 606:1] This means that in Judaism a person cannot obtain forgiveness from God for wrongs the person has done to other people. This also means that, unless the victim forgave the perpetrator before he died, murder is unforgivable in Judaism, and they will answer to God for it, though the victims' family and friends can forgive the murderer for the grief they caused them.
Christianity
Forgiveness is central to Christian ethics and is a frequent topic in sermons and theological works. It is considered a duty of Christians to forgive unconditionally
Bahá'í Faith
"Love the creatures for the sake of God and not for themselves. You will never become angry or impatient if you love them for the sake of God. Humanity is not perfect. There are imperfections in every human being, and you will always become unhappy if you look toward the people themselves. But if you look toward God, you will love them and be kind to them, for the world of God is the world of perfection and complete mercy. Therefore, do not look at the shortcomings of anybody; see with the sight of forgiveness."
Buddhism
"In contemplating the law of karma, we realize that it is not a matter of seeking revenge but of practicing mettā and forgiveness, for the victimizer is, truly, the most unfortunate of all."
Buddhism places much emphasis on the concepts of Mettā (loving kindness), karuna (compassion), mudita (sympathetic joy), and upekkhā (equanimity), as a means to avoiding resentments in the first place. These reflections are used to understand the context of suffering in the world, both our own and the suffering of others.
Hinduism
Forgiveness is considered one of the six cardinal virtues in Hinduism. Forgiveness in Hinduism does not necessarily require that one reconcile with the offender, nor does it rule out reconciliation in some situations. Instead forgiveness in Hindu philosophy is being compassionate, tender, kind and letting go of the harm or hurt caused by someone or something else.
Native American
Jack Kornfield, a world-renowned psychologist, author, and teacher, refers to the Lakota in their practice of dealing with grief: Grief was valued. It brought a person closer to the Gods. For when a person had suffered great loss, and was grieving they were considered the most wakan (the most holy) due to the openness of their heart and the intensity behind it. Because of this, the community gives their prayers to the grieving with the belief that they would be especially powerful.
What does Medicine and Science say about Forgiveness?
As I mentioned earlier, the state of the world is that depression, anger, resentment, suicide are at such a high. Perhaps, we as a collective whole, have reached that the brink of our capacity to carry the full measure of our sorrows within ourselves and this is spilling out in a world in such a way that it is being reflected back to us.
Science and Medicine think forgiveness might actually be good for you
Individuals with forgiveness as a personality trait have been shown to have overall better physical health. In a study on relationships, regardless if someone was in a negative or positive relationship, their physical health seemed to be influenced at least partially by their level of forgiveness.
Individuals who make a decision to genuinely forgive someone are also shown to have better physical health. This is due to the relationship between forgiveness and stress reduction. Forgiveness is seen as preventing poor physical health and managing poor physical health.
Specifically individuals who choose to forgive another after a transgression have lower blood pressure and lower cortisol levels than those who do not. This is theorized to be due to various direct and indirect influences of forgiveness, which point to forgiveness as an evolutionary trait.
"I am who I think you think I am." - Charles Horton Cooley"
Charles Cooley was a philosopher that came up with the Looking Glass Self Theory: We come to be through the interactions with other people by making models of the other person's mind. In other words, I am not who I think I am, I am not who you think I am, I am who I think you think I am - putting ourselves in this role and playing it out in our lives. In other words, we live in a construct of our own making.
As to what course of forgiveness practice to use, I think we are all very different and have different needs, therefore I think this is a personal choice that you will have to make.
Ironically, through the process of writing this, I discovered that my 'happy ending' wasn't outside of myself but within ME. That's pretty cool!
It is within us all to create our happy ending in life. And it begins with freeing ourselves from that story that never really served us well.
By freeing ourselves, everyone benefits.
The Medical Effects of Forgiveness:
Dr. Davidson, of the Waisman Clinic at the University of Wisconsin-Madison, has discovered many benefits of forgiveness, including:
- Lower blood pressure
- Stress reduction
- Less hostility
- Better anger management skills
- Lower heart rate
- Lower risk of alcohol or substance abuse
- Fewer depression and anxiety symptoms
- Reduction in chronic pain
- More friendships and healthier relationships
- Greater religious or spiritual well-being
- Improved psychological well-being
In a study published in the US National Library of Medicine 2016, "Understanding the Relationship Between State Forgiveness and Psychological Well-being: A Qualitative Study" forgiveness becomes center stage as the key component of not only reducing depression and anxiety, but also the key facilitator of general cognitive, emotional and social well-being outcomes. Source
Non-forgiveness Effects:
- Negative effect on mental health
Felt emotionally disturbed, depression, stress
No sense of peace, fear, guilty, lack confidence
Depletes energy, Felt static, worse, bitter, worthless
Blood rushing through body
Rage, darkness - Negative effect on mental health/cognitive
Inability to think clearly, suicidal thoughts
Thoughts of harming others - Barriers to growth
Stops you from moving on, freezes mind, less dynamic
Stuck in a rut
Lack of meaning and purpose in life
Unable to form new relationships
Transferring anger/bitterness into new relationships
Constant falling out
Forgiveness Effects:
- Reduction in negative effect
Anger, hatred, rid of burden, animosity, bitterness
Irritation, depression, conflict - Positive effect
Peace, content, joy, love, felt better, calmer, freedom from fear, happy, uplifted, inspired, compassion, positive, felt normal, confidence, vitality, autonomy - Positive relationships
Accepting other (positive attitude; accepting good and bad qualities), loving other, caring for/helping other, understanding, closer, value people, tolerant, less breakups, meaningful relationship, reconciliation, less reactive, more open, pleasurable, healthier for kids, moving forward, healed relationships - Personal growth
Spiritual transformation, meaning and purpose to life - Sense of empowerment
Stronger, independent, confident, hopeful, calmer, in control
Some tools for healing and beginning the practice of forgiveness:
- EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique)
- Meditation
- Creative expression like art, music, writing
- Observing your reactions to life situations and following them to their source
- Surrounding yourself with non-toxic people that support a positive attitude about life and others
Sources:
Science Studies on the effects of forgiveness:
Van Oyen, C. Witvilet, T.E. Ludwig and K. L. Vander Lann, "Granting Forgiveness or Harboring Grudges: Implications for Emotions, Physiology and Health," Psychological Science no. 12 (2001):117-23
S. Sarinopoulos, "Forgiveness and Physical Health: A Doctoral Dissertation Summary," World of Forgiveness no. 2 (2000): 16-18
Ed Diener1 and Martin E.P. Seligman2 (2002-01-01). "Very Happy People". Pss.sagepub.com. Archived from the original on 2015-12-14. Retrieved 2015-12-23.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Forgiveness
As you can see, there is a lot more to forgiveness than most of us realize or have been made aware. It is the cornerstone of a healthy society with profound effects on our emotional, physical and psychological well-being.
I hope you found this added knowledge as helpful and inspiring as I did diving deeper into this important topic.
All the drawings used were drawn by me in graphite pencil with a lot of love specifically for this post. I am new to art and just started exploring this part of me, so it was a true joy watching each drawing reveal itself during the writing process. I found it very healing, too!
THANK YOU to the @IFC and all those that have put so much love and time into this community - from @apolymask and those part of its foundation to the participants, the judges and readers.....THANK YOU!