I'm gonna allow myself to be vulnerable here today. For the last three years I lived without having to account to anyone other than myself, with the exception of a period I was with a partner and I was happy to do so with her while it lasted. Day after day I got to choose how to spend my time and in which order I would do things to better suit my mood.
The problem for me was that I wasn't ready to be the archetypical lonely wizard of the forest who was cut off from human community and only communed with plants, animals, and spirits. I still feel young and curious, I envision myself somewhere with a lively culture, music, dancing, diversity of people, romance opportunities, sharing of ideals, AND also integration of plants, animals, and spirits.
Does this place even exist? Or might it just be a fairy tale? Perhaps it is buried under the concrete, on which cars speed up without a care of what was sacrificed for modernity to emerge.
My dream was to raise such a place with my own hands, yet the cold of the south made things just be extremely survivalistic, and under such circumstances cultural richness has to be largely sacrificed for firewood gathering, food processing, and just fucking staying under the blankets to hide from the endless grayness of many days.
So, after three years of struggles I decided maybe it was easier to look for the place in a more tropical area of the world, where it was more likely to be, rather than to keep fighting againt the weight of the geographical conditions that I was rooted in.
Once again, nothing has been easy. My whole journey has been riddled with opposing forces, a constant clashing with a society that wants nothing to do with my ideals. I accepted it though and kept my mind set on the goal, living the moment and staying ready for departure.
But now it's different for I have commited to one month of volunteering on a farm that keeps me doing many things I dislike, because they don't offer the deep connection I had with Nature, rather sever it by seeing it as a productive environment, not as a living being deserving of Love and devotion.
I've had to mow endless amounts of lawn with a fucking noisy mower, smelling the horrible stench of gasoline. Then hours on end of raking the grass, while thinking: "when did I end up working for these capitalist bastards and giving away my freedom for fucking comfort and security?".
Tying cucumber plants to the poles with freshly bought plastic strips, something I would never have done at my place as there's so many things to recycle instead of buying more plastic. At the same time, it felt good to help the plants untangle and find more light
There's also been good things and cool parts of the job. Also, the reality is that the capitalist bastard who is my host is a fair, kind, and respectable man, who has shown a lot of wisdom in moments of conflict. Besides, there might not be devotion to Nature, but it has it's space and there is no brutal extractivism going on here.
The thing is that when I find myself tired and doing work that is idelogically meaningless to me, there is a feeling that drains away all my energy, and I feel empty, void, worth nothing. So I tell myself that it is temporary, that I have to work on my discipline and fulfill what I agreed to, that it will all make sense eventually.
I think of the fact I'm being able to save money to continue my journey. But truth be told, something in me knows that that's just the coward in me that hides behind papers and coins looking for "security", and the brave one says: "JUST GET THE FUCK OUT THERE AND PLAY THE GUITAR, AND SING UNTIL YOU HAVE NO MORE VOICE AND ALL YOUR STRINGS ARE CUT, FORGET ABOUT SAFETY AND KEEP MOVING!!!!!".
I'll probably follow the brave one's advice once I've finished my part of the deal here, as it is important for me to stop being unreliable, so here we are.