I've always walked through life by myself. I had a difficult childhood. When I say difficult, I don't mean with my parents or my family in general. No. They're the best anyone could ask for. They were there and they still are. The difficulty I mean here is within myself. I was that child who didn't know how to share. Everything I felt was bottled up inside. It got worse when my siblings left home. I was the youngest so it was just me.
What I didn't realise was how much I needed them. Siblings always fight and bicker, but the good thing about it is that most times, in-between fights, emotions fly and words are said. The feelings you think you can't share with anyone can come to the surface at that moment. That's where the healing process starts. Love also spreads. I never had that because I was way too young and they left way too early. So I did what I knew how to do best – I bottled.
My Mama got ill and it got worse. I became hard to talk to. I built this high wall around me that if you aren't patient and persistent enough, you'd never reach me. I believed it was the way to go. I kept people at arm's length. When she passed, it was like a rope was cut inside of me. The one person who was close to understanding me was snatched away. I was convinced that I needed no one. I believed that no one could ever understand where I'm coming from. I didn't realise that life was about to teach me the hardest lesson yet, and that truth is;
Being alone is one thing. Having people who care and refusing to be comforted is another. I didn't know how to receive love without panicking. I thought I knew how to give it. Took me a long time to see that I gave the tough kind. I thought I was protecting myself. I pushed people away and shut doors on their faces, and believe me when I say, people hardly have time for that. At the end of the day, you miss out on things and opportunities, and you can't blame anyone for it. It's all you.
But it took one person to change the status quo for me. It was so random that I didn't see it coming. No, it isn't the romantic kind of love. It's the kind that holds your hand and shows you that being vulnerable only makes you human. The kind that corrects and questions without judging. The type that teaches you kindness and acceptance. This person kept pushing till I gave in. It was at that moment that I really saw how deep in I was. I tried to see myself from people's perspective and it wasn't a beautiful sight. Everything changed there and then.
And my life began again.
The funny thing is that you don't actually see how lonely you are till it happens. You wake up everyday, wrapped up in your own little sad world, believing things are okay, convinced that you need no one. Nothing feels out of place for you. You're all that you need and you're enough. But one tiny look outside your comfort zone can change a lot of things if not everything.
We always hear that our shit is ours and no one gives a flying fuck. While I wouldn't completely refute it because yes, people can be shitty and things can be messy, there's always one person out there rooting for us. All we have to do is give it a chance.
Maybe I got lucky. Perhaps there are those who truly have no one. If you're in that category, positivity can get you to your destination. It is when we let people in that they come and stay. They won't have that permission unless we give it to them. And most of the time, they're just waiting for us. This isn't to say that bad things won't happen, but I'd rather learn from them than not try at all. I've been there and it wasn't the best of places.
The vibes you give off is what attracts people. Be for yourself, then give others a chance. Walls can be good but if care is not taken, it can also be the end of you. Be kinder to yourself and to people around you. Take it from me, no one wants to hug a prickly person.
This is my entry to Abundance Tribe's Biweekly Question. Check it out.