Lately, I have been struggling to find words to write or even a topic to focus on. My mind has gone blank, and I really am not sure what I want to say or share. Many times, I feel that people are too caught up in their own lives to care genuinely, or maybe I am just confused about it all. It's just that nothing is going on in my life, whereas, in fact, I do have a lot going on and find myself in one overwhelming situation after another.
I shared with my therapist my thoughts, and she reassured me that the confusion was normal. Feeling confused often is a normal way of processing traumas. She just reminded me that normal people experience emotions; it's perfectly fine to feel this way. The silver lining is that, again, I started to think and reflect; sometimes it brings sadness when looking at the years gone by. There is a part of me that constantly fights, just to remain strong and cling to some sense of normalcy.
Lately, I have gotten a lot of criticism; most of them aren't helpful in their ways, let alone constructive. Most of it does relate to my health, more specifically my mental health. Certain people think I am exaggerating or that it is not a serious problem with mental health. They say everything happens in the head, and if something in my life is going wrong, then I am weak. That hurts, especially when such words come from family, relatives, or friends. It doesn't bother me with outsiders, but if that criticism comes from close ones, then it really stings.
I have also noticed that even if I go to the extent of simply updating my travel plans on social media, people make various assumptions about my life. It is like no matter what I do, judgment is always around. While I wouldn't let the opinions of strangers weigh me down, it's hard to brush them off in case it comes from people dear to me. Sometimes, I even wonder whether I have made more enemies than friends in life.
Currently, the biggest fear that keeps haunting me is connected with safety: though I don't disclose much about myself, still I am always apprehensive about privacy and security. Sometimes those thoughts sound illogical and unreasonable to me, yet I think some sort of experience shaped my attitude in such a way. On the bright side, I have begun to work on the greenhouse project, and so far, so good. That is a good thing because, for some time, I just felt I had lost my creative thinking. I still have difficulties focusing on something for a long period of time, but at least I do something useful. There was one time when I could really feel that I was not capable of anything, but that has started to change. I feel slight improvements in my tolerance and patience. Small positive moments started to appear in my life, and they made me really happy. It is these slow but sure changes that allow me to regain confidence in my own abilities and in the capability of moving on.
I go out, I do activities, and stay active. I was in Amsterdam last weekend, and it was great. For me, going to Amsterdam is not such a big deal since I live in a city close to Amsterdam. Funny fact is I don't go to the tourist areas. I don't visit the attractions, but I like taking walks along the canals. Walking down the street back here by the water is just so nice; something so simple, just so nice and pure joy.
This weekend, we did have some work we needed to be doing in Amsterdam, but we finished the work early and then basically just walked out and sat by the canals away from the touristy crowds. I feel like I have started to notice changes that are good in myself. I start to feel more relaxed, and content, no longer overwhelmed by the crowds. A nice shift is that being in unfamiliar places no longer makes me feel judged or out of place. It's a peaceful kind of joy, coming with just being there. I ended up my day eating delicious food at a restaurant.
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Things started moving slowly in life, the process is long but I think I am on my way towards a healing journey. I am no longer scared of my existence, I can reflect and I can stay stable. My therapist said that I made a tremendous improvement so far and I have a very strong mindset. My complex traumas are fading away gradually. Depression is still there but it can be cured. She assured me that I have a chance of full recovery. Even I notice those progress. I have started to feel the improvements for myself. Though the journey was not easy, I gradually began to have a sense of hope that I had not had in such a long period of time. Even the tiniest shifts in my perspective, emotions, and reactions remind me that I am healing even though the process feels slow. It's a process, but I can feel that I am headed in the right direction. I can do well, I can be well.
My battle with myself is a story in itself, I hope the story will end nicely in the future...
Love
Priyan...
I am @priyanarc.... An architect, a dreamer, and a passionate writer who loves to write about life. I try to present my own perspective and experiences. Please leave your feedback and criticism because it's the only way I can know and reach your mind and thoughts easily...
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