I was looking through some old writings from about ten years ago when I noticed a line I wrote admitting that "I don't like people anyway." Over time, that opinion changed. I had some relationships that opened me up to new life experiences. I started to see the joy of meeting people and enjoying conversations with strangers. I started to forget that I ever felt another way. I thought I was introverted but just needed extroverted people to get me out of my shell. And I burst out of that shell. I started bands in genres I'd never tried before. I started to organize social events. I met all kinds of people. I started to have a better dating life.
Then the pandemic hit and it was like being hit in the head and stuffed into a box. Loneliness and despair took over. If I left the house at all I was lucky sometimes to find one friend who would join me at the park or on bike rides. People walking toward each other would walk into the street and cover their faces in fear. I remember early on telling someone that I was afraid of becoming misanthropic. I never wanted to hate people. And yet it turns out I once did think this way.
As things open up again, I find it hard to get back into the excitement of crowds. It's not that I'm afraid of covid. Vaccines seem to work well and the vaccination rates are high by me. It's not that at all. It's the fear of both too much attention and alienation. I have never felt comfortable alone in a crowd. I have never felt comfortable with too many people paying attention to me. I have become used to the small groups of friends. Small enough that any new people could easily be introduced to everyone. Few enough people that I can remember their names.
There have been a couple of large gatherings lately where I have chosen to stay home. 2019 me would never have done that. When I am at home I become depressed and lethargic. The pandemic made me stop believing I was ever an introvert. I was hurting from the lack of socializing with others. And yet now that I have the chance, I'm feeling kind of introverted. I'm feeling kind of misanthropic. This isn't me! I think. I don't know anymore.
I fear things shutting down again. But then why not get out and have fun while I have the chance? Perhaps I am scared to be stuffed in a box again. Sometimes it's more comforting to just sit in that box with the lid open.