Splatfest

A couple days ago I wrote a silly post about levitation because why the fuck not and in it mentioned that I once levitated a person who subsequently went splat on the pavement when the levitation didn't go quite to plan. No human was harmed in that episode...[and if you believe that you're fucken bonkers!]

Anyway, someone responded in comment about their own splat-experiences and we were having a laugh about vertical splatting. I'll get to that, and the purpose of this post, in a bit but first what is a splat?

A splat is when something soft, wet or moist, hits a hard surface with a great deal of force.

Example: Someone drops you off a really tall building...You'll go fucken splat when you hit the ground. Makes sense right?

Vertical splatting

This is something else again and something most people (if they're honest) have done and it's hilarious...when someone else does it.

It's when a person walks into a post, wall, door, bollard...pretty much anything hard by accident. It can also be when one trips over and goes splat on the sidewalk, face first is best. I've done it, more times than I can count, and the person I was commenting with has too. She says (paraphrased):

Once upon a time about twenty million years ago I was out with some Uni friends...was walking beside the group looking intently at them. I walked into a signpost (because of how I had my head turned it was somehow out of my very wide periphery vision) which everyone thought was hilarious. Then I walked into a bollard...saw the other bollards and completely misjudged the distance between them and did not register that I needed a half step either way, still hilarious. The one that nobody including me can explain is when I walked into a building support pillar which was 2-3 times as wide as I was, and at that point while still laughing their asses off they were probably actually concerned and decided I needed to walk in the middle of the group.

That's vertical splatting at expert level folks, a real fucken splatfest!. (Thanks @ryivhnn for sharing your splats.)

So, I figured it could be a bit of fun to hear about your vertical splats if you're willing to share; hopefully you have a funny story to share in the comments below and don't worry, we won't be laughing at you, just with you...because it can be sort of funny right?

Ok, if I'm honest we'll probably laugh at you a little bit, so if you're overly sensitive don't share it.

Here's one of my vertical splats

I was heading to an important business meeting in the city dressed in a full suit looking like I knew what I was about, and was walking towards the glass-fronted building where the meeting was feeling good, confident and ready for business.

As I approached the big glass doors a beautiful woman walked out of the building, I mean she was a stunner! Anyway, because I'm me, I sort of looked and as she walked by I kept looking...the problem was that I kept walking toward the building while looking at her. I thought I had plenty of space between me and the doors but...nope, I fucken smacked into them hard, head still turned looking at the woman, and the noise it made was momentous because the sliding doors rattled on their hinges. It fucken hurt. I tried to compose myself, look super-cool and all, then took a look around hoping no one saw but...yep, that hottie had stopped and was looking right at me, a smirk on her face at my self-inflicted misfortune. It wasn't cool at all and neither was I.

I shrugged my shoulders at her, threw a lopsided smirk at my idiocy, and she smiled...I felt better then, at least I made her smile. We both went our separate ways and that was that...a fucken embarrassing vertical splat.

If y'all want to share one please do so in the comments below. If y'all don't want to share one that's completely fine as well.