Source
I closed the book in front of me, every single one of my thoughts scattered in my head.
I kept trying to piece them together with the hope that everything I just spent the last past twenty four hours stuffing into my brain was still in there.
My eyes went to the now empty cup on my reading table. I closed my eyes wishing that I could open it and the cup would automatically be filled with coffee.
I took my bath quickly then I picked up my phone, my hands immediately swiped to his dm.
I stared at the last message.
Text me when you are almost here.
Nothing came after I left his place. Not even a Did you get home safe?
I dropped my phone on the table. I had my exam to worry about for the next three hours.
Time came and passed and I was done.
I am never one to jump into conclusions or make assumptions but I would make an exception this one time and say that whoever had set my exam timetable was cold and heartless.
How could someone set three chain papers in a row by eight o'clock everyday?.
Immediately I got home, I headed straight for my kitchen and made myself another cup of coffee, probably my tenth cup already. I had stopped counting.
I sat down after setting the cup on the table and began to prepare for the next paper.
I had a plan. Drink coffee with a little sprinkle of alcohol and stay awake for three days straight.
It was going well so far, one day down just two more to go.
And so just like I planned, the second day passed too, two days without sleep, just one more to go.
I repeated the routine as soon as I got home. I sat on the chair preparing to read.
At that moment my phone buzzed, I picked it up eagerly hoping it was from a text from him.
I frowned. It was a notification from my bank with their usual electronic maintenance fee.
I don't know why they keep on subtracting money from my account, I didn't beg them to help me maintain anything.
I know I should have dropped the phone then but the invisible devil on my shoulder whispered and I found myself going to his dm.
"Dont do it. Don't text him."The voice in my head warned.
I listened but then his text came in.
Him: Are you busy? Can you come over?
Me: Uhmmm. I kind of have a really important paper to read for.
Him: Okay.
Not even a hellomy inner voice sounded irritated.
I knew nothing would follow the okay so I texted again.
Me: After Friday I don't have a paper till Thursday. I could come over if you still want?
Him.: Okay. Just text before you come.
I closed my eyes as I dropped my phone. I knew what I was doing was extremely sad but I couldn't stop because I liked him a lot. I liked an indifferent idiot that only wanted one thing from me.
I transferred my focus to my book and I continued reading.
I don't know when I fell asleep but the next time I opened my eyes, it was 2:33am. I jumped up.
"Shit shit shit. I have a paper in less than six hours and I haven't read shit."
I quickly picked up the cup of coffee I was drinking earlier and brought it to my lips.
"You know what you are doing is sad right? Really sad."
I glanced around my room. Either I was going crazy or someone just spoke to me.
"Psstttt. Down here."
I looked down at the cup I was holding. I was definitely going crazy because the alternative was that a cup of coffee was talking to me.
"I have something really important to say and you need to hear it."
I was about to scream and throw the cup away when the coffee spoke again, "You can scream and throw me against the wall in a few minutes but first listen."
I froze but listened.
"I want you to stand up and go to the mirror."
I don't know why but I did it.
"Good, now what do you see?"
I laughed. I was going to lock myself up in the psychiatric hospital after this.
"I see myself holding a cup of coffee and the coffee is talking to me."
"Let me tell you what I see. I see a really beautiful and smart girl that will do great things if she puts her mind to it. But to do great things, you can't let people keep sucking you dry. You are going to keep on giving and he is just going to keep on taking until you have nothing else to give and you want to know the most saddening part?"
I kept quiet.
The coffee continued, "He is going to move on to the next girl faster than you can place me back on the table."
My voice quivered, "I don't know how to stop."
"You can't build a house in one day. You have to take it one step at a time. But the first step is you not going to his house on Saturday."
"But-", I tried.
"No, but. You are beautiful and you will find someone that sees that one day. But until then love yourself."
I closed my eyes as the tears fell.
"Until then, love yourself", the coffee's voice echoed in my head.
I don't know if I had been dreaming or if it was real but that was the wakeup call I needed.
I took baby steps until I managed to cut him out of my life.
I still haven't found that person but I took the coffee's advice and I loved myself.
I just changed it a little bit. I made a little space in my heart to love coffee more.