How do I even feel when am all alone answering my thoughts, maybe sometimes I feel sad although at times I feel happy but lonely depending on what I was thinking.
Most times in the night, when am alone my thoughts run wild especially when I remember my late grandma.
One of this night, my battery was low and I had nothing to focus my mind on I was doing some thinking about what my life would have been, assuming my grandma was still alive.
I was thinking out loud without even knowing that I was loud. I said Grandma I still want to be a medical doctor Although am a graduate now but still feel unfulfilled. If you were here, what would have had me do in this situation, I know you asked me to get the form and apply. Hail me to go for it.
Me: But Grandma am not getting any younger and I need to start my own family, not going back to school again.
Source
Grandma:you worry too much, the husband is not here yet why not get that degree you want, why you pray for a suitor to come
Me:Grandma what if I go for a master's degree instead of starting all over again? Maybe one of my children might do medicine just to fulfill my desire.
Grandma:what if none of your kids wants to be a medical doctor, will you feel fulfilled then ego-oyibo( foreign money) act as your name, sometimes I wonder what she means by I should act as my name, she would look at me in the eyes and say you have never back down on anything before why now. She would touch my cheek and say I believe in you, so believe in yourself.
Me: Grandma am still worried about one more thing
Grandma:what is it
Me: Marriage, am afraid of who I will finally settle for and whether will I be good enough for the person will the person be the best for me, and which tribe I should marry from, am confused.
Grandma:Any tribe of your choice, I just want you to be happy.
Me; Grandma, but my mom has issues with some tribes and one of these tribes she doesn't like is what is always coming my way, The last time I disobeyed her, it didn't end well. Am really at a cross road right now.
Grandma:All I will tell you is that you should trust God and ask him to bring his perfect will your way. Come sit close to me, you are going to have wrinkles on your face, oya smile for grandma. Hope you have heard what I say, I nod my head saying yes.
I smiled to myself and at the same time felt sad because she was not here anymore, she had always been my adviser, and sometimes we used to be at each other neck.
Source
Talking to myself, oh grandma I wish you were here, am so confused and frustrated at so many things. Grandma, I wish you could direct me on what to do right now. Am so afraid of marriage and you know you have always been against divorce. You will always say:ego-oyibo Marriage is sacred and honorable, divorce is not an option except when it becomes life-threatening, then you can leave and that's why I will always say don't allow any form of pressure, so you don't marry wrongly. I love you, my baby
Me: Grandma am not a baby anymore. Your baby is a big girl now.
I snap out of my thoughts, feeling unhappy and sad. Afraid of what the future holds for me I have hope for greatness.
Thank you for reading💕💕