Thinking back looking forward

I walked for a while this evening. I had the need to be moving as I was restless inside and I think I might have gone stark raving mad had I remained still. I walked for several kilometres whilst the sun sank west and the sky stained orange-red. I walked until it was dark, all colour gone and...I was still restless but a little more calm at least. I needed that.

I had my camera figuring taking a snap or two would take my mind off, well I don't really want to tell you what to be honest, but let's just say I needed my mind to go blank for a while and the walk, a few snaps...Ah hell, who am I kidding, it didn't work at all!

I've spent almost this entire day alone and have only said a couple of words out loud all day - I just had nothing to say, and not much opportunity to say it, so silence happened, and my thoughts were my only companion.

The problem is they're not the best company at times - My thoughts I mean. I'd planned to talk, but it didn't work out so...Those thoughts of mine were about it. Not so good and so I thought it best I go for a walk...I went with the intention of watching the sunset.

I read a quote today and was thinking about it as I walked this evening:

Don't look back, you're not going that way.

Simple, not that profound, just fact. The problem is that looking back, or at least thinking back, is something we all do, or should! I don't believe people who say they don't look back, it's simply not possible.

We are all a product of our past and thinking back is a part of who we are - We learn from our past experiences, actions and attitudes and they concatenate to make us the people we are today...Even if those past events were painful, dark, hurtful or hateful. They are all a part of us, albeit parts we might want to lock away and not see, or think about, again.

I have a past, like most, and tonight it came to pay me a visit; It's not welcome of course, but it comes by sometimes, often at the most inopportune moments, at times I'm ill-equipped to deal with it. The lid on that little box I lock it away inside of opens and it leaks into my brain, my heart, and it leaves me feeling things I'd rather not feel, or am not fully able to deal with I guess...But so far I've been fortunate to be able to do so and tonight was no different; Many are not so lucky.

I like to think I'm a good man and have mostly been so; Kind, generous, humble, courteous, hard working, a good friend, honourable, brave and courageous too when required, protective by nature...But I'm also flawed and broken. Sometimes I feel that I'm falling apart and just need someone to catch a few pieces and hand them back, maybe help me hold them all together. Tonight I needed that but it wasn't possible...So I walked and whilst thinking back I looked forward.

I took these snaps as I walked a tonight but it wasn't about the photography - For me, a poor photographer, it's not about the final product as it's often pretty average, just the act of taking the shots and being on the beach watching the sun head west and away to other parts of the world.

I love the way the light changes as it sets, the colours of course for sure, but also the way light gives way to dark - An ending. A pretty spectacular one at that. I don't find it melancholy though, in fact, the complete opposite. I see it as a reset. A chance at new beginnings, new opportunities, even if that is simply the sunrise tomorrow, a new day, and the chance to lock those thoughts up in that box again, maybe for a day or so.

Just love me, put your arms around me and hold me together else I'll fall apart.

I said this to someone who loves me very much. It's funny because that person doesn't really know why parts of me fall away, just that they sometimes do; I'm not very good at sharing my past. I'm not sure it matters to be honest though, The response said it all:

You are not going to fall apart because I am not going anywhere.

And just like that the box closed and shall remain so...At least until next time.

---

Every day I spend a few moments thinking about what I'm grateful for. I wake up, make sure I'm not dead, and then list a few things that I value and am so pleased to have in my life - The person I mention above is one of them. I have a good life, understand my feelings and why I have them, mostly know how to deal with adversity, and walk through life with a great deal of care towards others - There are some around me who mean more than my poor words could ever describe and when I need them they are there, even if they don't know they're helping me, they're there to do so.

Thinking back helps me know who I am now and looking forward helps me shape the now-me into what, and who, I will be at some stage in the future - Maybe tomorrow, or next year, the year after...I don't know and it doesn't matter; I will get there though.

Track - sent to me by the person I mention in this post: Malibu