Lesson 2: BDSM Roles
In this second installment of our Kink Sunday School we shall answer some questions with regards to the various roles within BDSM relationships. As always, for anonymous questions and/or observations, please refer to the surveys linked at the bottom of this post.
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DISCLAIMER: Please be aware that roles exist as broad categories that should help people communicate more easily their needs and preferences but there’s a lot of personal interpretation that goes into the meaning each person puts in their chosen role. Therefore, a lot of what follows is to be interpreted in very general terms: always ask a person what they mean, when they identify as something specific within the BDSM spectrum.
What is the difference between Master/Dom/Top and slave/sub/bottom?
Fetlife, the biggest online kink and fetish community, offers a long drop-down menu of choices in order to allow people to incorporate their chosen BDSM role within their profile. Along with the many choices, it offers a very basic list of the meaning the staff gives to these roles. This is what they have to say about the most common roles:
Master: A person who seeks to exercise power, authority, or control; usually over a slave in an M/s dynamic (female variation, Mistress).
slave: A person who submits or gives up control; usually to a Master in an M/s dynamic.
Dominant: A person who seeks to exercise power, authority, or control; usually over a submissive in a D/s dynamic (female variation, Domme)
submissive: A person who seeks to submit or give up control; usually to a Dominant in a D/s dynamic.
Top: A person who performs kinky action on a Bottom.
Bottom: A person who receives kinky action from a Top.
It’s not much to go on, I realize. While these definitions might help in differentiating Top/bottom relationships from D/s and M/s it gives absolutely no clue into what the difference between D/s and M/s might be. This is actually a good representation of real life, where a lot of people have very precise ideas of what they mean by one or the other, but none of these interpretations actually match.
We can therefore define Top/bottom as the generic terminology used to indicate a play relationship in which, regardless of the personal relationship or dynamic between the people involved, the Top gives and the bottom receives.
More specific terminology can depend on the kind of play taking place. In spanking, the participants could be called Spanker and spankee, while in bondage we have Riggers and bunnies but also, alternatively, Bondageurs and bondagettes.
As for M/s and D/s, Dominants and Masters exercise power and authority over slaves and submissives, who willingly choose to submit to them. This much is clear and generally undisputed. But what to make of the difference between the two types of interaction, if there’s even any difference at all? There is no One True Answer.
One interpretation might imply that D/s is a natural inclination of the people involved, while M/s is a choice. Therefore a slave might choose to obey his or her Master even without having a “submissive personality” or “submissive inclinations”, while a submissive might not submit enough, in a specific relationship, to be considered a slave. Others might interpret M/s as a more encompassing dynamic in which the Master assume a greater control over the slave’s life and choices, with a very limited or no input from the slave, while a submissive still retains his or her right to negotiate and refuse an order or request. Another, similar take is to consider a slave the property of his or her Master, while a submissive is merely a partner who chooses to put their Dominant’s needs above their own. A different interpretation might lean on the timeframe of the dynamic: D/s might deepen and wane throughout the day, a submissive might submit at home then go do her own thing when she’s out and about (for work or leisure), while a slave can’t be a part-time slave and is always subservient to the Master.
One constant in all the different interpretations, seems to be the fact that a slave makes an initial choice to give themselves over to their Master and they henceforth obey, while a submissive might retain a more fluid autonomy. Personally, I tend to use D/s as the general term for relationships that rely on power imbalance and M/s for relationships in which the submitting party has given a blanket consent to obey their authority figure, within a set of prearranged limits. But the truth is that each Master and each slave, each Dominant and each submissive will have their personal interpretation of the role in general, as applicable to them, and as applied to their relationship, three definitions that may not even match with regards to the same person, who might have one general idea but then adapt this idea differently to his or her current relationship.
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We can therefore define Top/bottom as the generic terminology used to indicate a play relationship in which, regardless of the personal relationship or dynamic between the people involved, the Top gives and the bottom receives.
More specific terminology can depend on the kind of play taking place. In spanking, the participants could be called Spanker and spankee, while in bondage we have Riggers and bunnies but also, alternatively, Bondageurs and bondagettes.
As for M/s and D/s, Dominants and Masters exercise power and authority over slaves and submissives, who willingly choose to submit to them. This much is clear and generally undisputed. But what to make of the difference between the two types of interaction, if there’s even any difference at all? There is no One True Answer.
One interpretation might imply that D/s is a natural inclination of the people involved, while M/s is a choice. Therefore a slave might choose to obey his or her Master even without having a “submissive personality” or “submissive inclinations”, while a submissive might not submit enough, in a specific relationship, to be considered a slave. Others might interpret M/s as a more encompassing dynamic in which the Master assume a greater control over the slave’s life and choices, with a very limited or no input from the slave, while a submissive still retains his or her right to negotiate and refuse an order or request. Another, similar take is to consider a slave the property of his or her Master, while a submissive is merely a partner who chooses to put their Dominant’s needs above their own. A different interpretation might lean on the timeframe of the dynamic: D/s might deepen and wane throughout the day, a submissive might submit at home then go do her own thing when she’s out and about (for work or leisure), while a slave can’t be a part-time slave and is always subservient to the Master.
One constant in all the different interpretations, seems to be the fact that a slave makes an initial choice to give themselves over to their Master and they henceforth obey, while a submissive might retain a more fluid autonomy. Personally, I tend to use D/s as the general term for relationships that rely on power imbalance and M/s for relationships in which the submitting party has given a blanket consent to obey their authority figure, within a set of prearranged limits. But the truth is that each Master and each slave, each Dominant and each submissive will have their personal interpretation of the role in general, as applicable to them, and as applied to their relationship, three definitions that may not even match with regards to the same person, who might have one general idea but then adapt this idea differently to his or her current relationship.
Each relationship and dynamic has essentially its own characteristics and rules, and just like BDSM as a whole the terms M/s and D/s may cover a wide array of options. To reflect the most common variations on these themes, a whole other list of terms have been created, which identify different kinds of M/s or D/s dynamics. Some examples might be: Owner/property, Handler/pet, Master/kajira or kajirus, Mommy or Daddy/little, Cuckolder/cuckold or cuckquean.
As a general rule of thumb, you can assume that roles written with a capital letter should be interpreted as generally dominant in nature and can be collectively referred to as D-types. They’re the ones who usually call the shots. Conversely, all roles written in lower cases should generally be interpreted as submissive in nature, collectively referred to as s-types. They are the ones who receive (orders, pain, ropes, humiliation, and whatnot).
What’s a Switch?
Fetlife is more helpful, here.
Switch: A person who enjoys participating in either side of a sexual/kink dynamic depending on mood, partner, or situation.
Switches are the bisexuals of kink and enjoy playing both fields, with or without a preferred specific dynamic (maybe the like petplay but enjoy both handling a pet and being a pet, or they enjoy ageplay and like to be both a nurturing parent figure and a child, depending on the specific context). And just as bisexuals, their varied interests don’t invalidate their standing in a (nonexistent) BDSM hierarchy, meaning that the fact that they’re neither exclusively Dominant nor submissive doesn’t render them less believable kinksters or less desirable partners.
Of course, it is very possible to switch with some people and/or activities while being solely Dominant, submissive, Top or bottom with other people o with regards to certain activities. And one preference doesn’t negate all others, nor is automatically invalidated by another. A Dominant or Master isn’t any less dominant if they like being on the receiving end of rope bondage. If this sounds obvious, I laud your good sense, but believe me that there’s a lot of weird notions floating around in the BDSM world, to the point that some people question the dominance of D-types who perform oral sex on their s-types. Which is nonsense, of course. The core essence of dominance is that the Dominant calls the shots, so if they like performing oral sex they will most definitely be free to get down to it. Literally.
Of course, it is very possible to switch with some people and/or activities while being solely Dominant, submissive, Top or bottom with other people o with regards to certain activities. And one preference doesn’t negate all others, nor is automatically invalidated by another. A Dominant or Master isn’t any less dominant if they like being on the receiving end of rope bondage. If this sounds obvious, I laud your good sense, but believe me that there’s a lot of weird notions floating around in the BDSM world, to the point that some people question the dominance of D-types who perform oral sex on their s-types. Which is nonsense, of course. The core essence of dominance is that the Dominant calls the shots, so if they like performing oral sex they will most definitely be free to get down to it. Literally.
Do I have to adhere to one of these roles to practice BDSM?
The simple fact that Switches exist should be a sufficient answer to this question. Which of course means that no, you don’t. Roles and labels have developed only as helpful tool of communication but they by no means cover the entirety of a person’s BDSM experience. You can either identify with one of the many labeled roles or feel free to do your special thing, on your own or with your partner(s). You are also free to explore, experiment, and change your mind.
Just don’t be a special snowflake about it. Each of us is special in their own way and each of us experiences sexuality in a slightly different way, so of course each of us is free to choose the labels that best suit them or not choose any labels at all. But since none of us can truly claim to be exceptionally unique, chances are that a few or even a lot of labels floating around will come pretty close to what you do, like and feel. Plus, a label is not an immutable box. As I said, labels are a good form of simplified communication, so if someone asks you what you “are” or what role you feel closest to in BDSM terms, stop and think if you can sum that up in a few words before starting a rant on how you feel so different from everything anybody ever felt in the history of always.
Just don’t be a special snowflake about it. Each of us is special in their own way and each of us experiences sexuality in a slightly different way, so of course each of us is free to choose the labels that best suit them or not choose any labels at all. But since none of us can truly claim to be exceptionally unique, chances are that a few or even a lot of labels floating around will come pretty close to what you do, like and feel. Plus, a label is not an immutable box. As I said, labels are a good form of simplified communication, so if someone asks you what you “are” or what role you feel closest to in BDSM terms, stop and think if you can sum that up in a few words before starting a rant on how you feel so different from everything anybody ever felt in the history of always.
Are you still a D-type if you don’t currently have an s-type (and vice versa)?
This is another hotly debated issue within the BDSM community.
Theoretically, the answer should be no, you’re not technically a D or an s until someone submits to you or accepts you submission. Much like you’re not a driver until the DMV issues your driving license, or a Barrister until you pass the Bar. But we all know that there’s nothing inherently magical in the examiners handing you a newly minted license or congratulating you on passing the final exam: you don’t suddenly become a more accomplished driver or lawyer than you were five minutes before. The only difference is that someone has now certified your abilities and you have physical proof of them.
How does this translate to the BDSM world? Are you still a D if you feel like you are, but can only use the term publicly once someone has accepted you in that role? Is there a D/s test you can take, for future reference?
The only real “test”, in this scenario, is your reputation within your local (real or online) community. No one should question or diminish your usage of labels to describe your desires and inclinations. At most, more experienced practitioners might look down on you condescendingly when you declare yourself a Master without any real field experience, but there’s nothing inherently wrong about using the term as a descriptor. What is perceived as very inappropriate is assuming people will owe you any title you choose for yourself: there’s a big difference between “I want to be a Master” or “my chosen role is that of Master” and “I’m Master Joe, please refer to me as such”. The latter is a big no-no on the scene.
No one but your sub or slave will ever be obliged to use your chosen moniker. And no one but them generally will, unless you become such a respected and experienced figure on the scene that people will start referring to you as Master Joe out of spontaneous deference. Conversely, styling yourself as a D (or even being recognized by the community as an experienced D) gives you no right to call s-types any kind of names and treat them in any way differently than all other people. The fact that someone identifies as a sub doesn’t make them your sub, and only your sub has agreed to have you treat them in a certain way. Therefore, when in a public BDSM setting, always assume that people are people, and not labels, and that identifying one way does not equal to giving blanket permission to play right away. The same, of course, goes for s-types as well: groveling at the feet of a D-type who hasn’t given you any hint that they have agreed to be, even temporarily, your D won’t get you many simpathy points.
Theoretically, the answer should be no, you’re not technically a D or an s until someone submits to you or accepts you submission. Much like you’re not a driver until the DMV issues your driving license, or a Barrister until you pass the Bar. But we all know that there’s nothing inherently magical in the examiners handing you a newly minted license or congratulating you on passing the final exam: you don’t suddenly become a more accomplished driver or lawyer than you were five minutes before. The only difference is that someone has now certified your abilities and you have physical proof of them.
How does this translate to the BDSM world? Are you still a D if you feel like you are, but can only use the term publicly once someone has accepted you in that role? Is there a D/s test you can take, for future reference?
The only real “test”, in this scenario, is your reputation within your local (real or online) community. No one should question or diminish your usage of labels to describe your desires and inclinations. At most, more experienced practitioners might look down on you condescendingly when you declare yourself a Master without any real field experience, but there’s nothing inherently wrong about using the term as a descriptor. What is perceived as very inappropriate is assuming people will owe you any title you choose for yourself: there’s a big difference between “I want to be a Master” or “my chosen role is that of Master” and “I’m Master Joe, please refer to me as such”. The latter is a big no-no on the scene.
No one but your sub or slave will ever be obliged to use your chosen moniker. And no one but them generally will, unless you become such a respected and experienced figure on the scene that people will start referring to you as Master Joe out of spontaneous deference. Conversely, styling yourself as a D (or even being recognized by the community as an experienced D) gives you no right to call s-types any kind of names and treat them in any way differently than all other people. The fact that someone identifies as a sub doesn’t make them your sub, and only your sub has agreed to have you treat them in a certain way. Therefore, when in a public BDSM setting, always assume that people are people, and not labels, and that identifying one way does not equal to giving blanket permission to play right away. The same, of course, goes for s-types as well: groveling at the feet of a D-type who hasn’t given you any hint that they have agreed to be, even temporarily, your D won’t get you many simpathy points.
What about sadomasochism?
That’s a whole other story. You don’t have to be either, to practice BDSM, and being into pain (either way) doesn’t necessarily mean you’re also into power dynamics or other kind of play.You can be a masochist and not be any kind of s-type. You can be a sadist and have no interest in Mastering anyone or having a slave. I guess you can also be a masochist and a D-type (and a sadist and an s-type), with your dynamic partner or with other people.
Sadomasochism is a fundamental pillar of BDSM, but it’s not its only possible expression, and it can overlap with other areas of BDSM or not.
Sadomasochism is a fundamental pillar of BDSM, but it’s not its only possible expression, and it can overlap with other areas of BDSM or not.
And what about feminism?
The fundamental principle of any revendication movement should be that the same rights should be granted to every individual regardless of gender or other discriminating factors such as skin color, religious belief or sexual orientation. As far as feminism is concerned, this should translate into the freedom of women to choose the path of life more closely related to their personal inclinations and desires. This means that a woman (just as much as any man) should be free to choose the career that most pleases her and for which she proves more apt, which includes choosing to take care of the house and children. And she should be free to enjoy the same sexual freedom recognized to men (especially since pharmaceutical chemistry now allows a completely independent management of contraception), including the freedom to choose to submit to a man, if this is what she prefers, as already highlighted in my review of Histoire d'O.
I don’t think there’s anything more to add on the issue.
I don’t think there’s anything more to add on the issue.
How can I find the kinky partner of my dreams?
I know I said we’d cover that this week, but I’m afraid you’ll have to wait some more for this. See you in the next installment of the Kink Sunday School.
Thanks for reading.
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