"How could I read myself, if I don't write myself?"
That was the first line of Cristina's essay that got her an award at the national contest for Romanian literature and creative writing back in my school days. Cristina was my classmate, a talented writer and mysterious personality that barely ever revealed something about herself in public. Her writings, though, said it all.
My heart had a penchant for Cristina – it resonated with her essence as a sensitive soul. It knew there is something special going on with this girl. My mind, however, was drowning in a strange mixture of jealousy, arrogance and reverence.
My childhood conditioning was such that whenever there appeared to be someone else as good as or better than me at school, I would turn into an acid, obnoxious and frightened little kid.
Ah, it took a lot of hard work to reverse this conditioning but the point here is that I was perplexed. Those lines have been haunting me ever since and now I know why.
When I write, I feel at home. When I write, it's as if there is nothing in this world or outside of it that could make me feel as whole and complete. When I write, I make love with the divine. I am one with existence. When I write, I'm fulfilling a sacred mission.
If this sounds airy-fairy, you need to know that I stopped caring a while ago whether my artistic utterings make any logical sense. I believe art is not to be understood in the mind but felt in the heart.
This is my invitation to you in this diary – feel it, rather than think it. I promise you, it will make more sense this way.
I arrived at this point in my life after years of looking for something else outside of me to fulfil me.
This unconscious urge to find raw ecstatic pleasure and contentment, this raging thirst for the absolute, this bittersweet longing for completion have been plaguing me for as long as I can remember.
A feeling that is self-sustained, forever feeding onto itself, a feeling that never ends. An answer to the unspoken question of "Wherein lies your infiniteness?"...
I was under the mistaken impression that having a romantic partner would conjure up this feeling and make it stay. I have been constantly in and out of relationships since I was 16, and I learnt so much...
But maybe the biggest learning is this: unless I am enough in myself, unless I fuel my own joy within, unless I replenish my own inner well, I will only suffer waiting for the other special someone to do that for me.
I have had enough of this. I am taking my happiness into my own two hands. This diary is being birthed out of this impulse.
I begin writing this diary as a gift to myself and to the world. I don't know where this will take me. I have no idea what wants to be written through me. All I know is that I have to do it. I have to show up and let spirit write itself out through me.
Otherwise, it's like signing my own death sentence. That's how grave it is.
The spirit that inhabits this young body has a message to deliver to the world, a message that has been distilled through some interesting life experiences and realisations.
All it asks at this point of you, dear reader, is to be patient and open-mindedly sceptical Many things may appear controversial or unbelievable at first glance. I promise they will make more sense with each page into this grand confession.
My story begins in 2012.
My physical life began in 1994, but my real life began at this point in human history, foretold by ancient cultures to be a turning point in the collective consciousness of the human race. 2012 – the world end? Yes, from what I have come to understand, that is correct.
That year announced the end of the world as we know it, the old world – a world constructed on the premise that man is separated from nature and God. The idea that we have to struggle, fight and compete in order to survive is a cultural dogma that led us to create a civilisation on the brink of self-destruction.
If we don't do something about it, we are going to destroy this planet, dig our own grave and bury ourselves in it. By the way, have you noticed all these global crises that are incessantly bombarding our awareness on the latest news?
But that's not just it – with every end, comes a new beginning. There is a new world emerging. Many have spoken, written books, sung songs, given lectures about it.
From hippies like John Lennon, New Agers like Bashar, Eckhart Tolle, Dolores Cannon to self-help gurus like Wayne Dyer, Louise Hay and the latest pioneers bridging science and spirituality like Bruce Lipton, Tom Campbell, Gregg Braden, Deepak Chopra (and so many others) - they all share the same message.
This new story is based on the remembrance of every individual that we are not just physical bodies in a perpetual struggle for survival, but that there is a higher intelligence that we are all part of.
By awakening to this deeper truth of our being, we can heal our personal and collective wounds and co-create heaven on earth. No more wars, strife and vengeance, but peace, harmony and cooperation between nations and individuals.
It sounds great, but for some people, it may appear to be nothing more than just a figment of some lunatics' imagination.
Well, I feel like I'm part of this wave of souls that has emerged to help the world transition from the old ways into the new ways of living.
I have met kindred souls that are on the same wavelength and are playing their part in this large-scale process that is going on, whether we are aware of it or not.
Many of them on Steemit!
So for me, this is not a nice fairytale, but a reality that I live in. A reality that is now even scientifically proven to be true, and more and more people are participating.
This is another reason why I feel I need to write this diary– to support this reality in taking more concrete shape.
Like everyone who hears this piece of news, I was sceptical at the beginning. "Yeah, sure, a better world... But how could it be possible, when there is so much evil in the world?".
When I was little, I refused to believe in a God preached by black-robed long-beared guys who were robotically regurgitating some words they didn't seem to believe in. (I don't mean to be offensive, I just met so many priests who weren't genuine men of God in my home country, Romania)
However, I decided to leave open the question of God's existence, and I said to myself: "Until I have a direct experience of God, I won't believe that He exists".
And guess what?
My open-mindedness paid off, and I have had experiences of direct divine connection. Believe me, it's not as fancy as it sounds.
I feel God in my heart and it's nothing more than a pure, simple sense of appreciation, wonder, gratitude at the miracle of being, combined with a willingness to trust and surrender to this higher force that permeates my life and everybody else's.
I don't wish to convince anybody of anything.
All I want is to get naked and lay myself bare in front of the world mentally, emotionally, spiritually and share my story.
I have tried to help people by telling them what I thought was good for them, but I soon learnt that I have no clue what is good for anyone else apart from me. And not even that sometimes.
I can only share what I've been through, what I learnt and where I am right now, hoping that my story will ignite some sparks, raise some questions, answer others and empower you to be more of who you truly are.
I refuse to believe that you are this little thing you have constructed yourself to be, separate and isolate from the world at large, a world that is ripe with danger and peril... but a lot more than you have ever dreamt possible.
And the world is not as gloomy as it looks. There is a new world emerging now. In service of this great transformation, I feel compelled to share my story of on-going transformation from ego-driven to heart-led existence.
Fully subscribing to Gandhi's advice, "Be the change you want to see", I believe that the more we do the self-work and healing required to reach a more harmonious way of living, the ripple effect will heal the entire planet and our offspring will be living in a better world than we do. We don't need to believe in fairytales, but we make them happen.
The transformation is happening right now. I'm going to share mine with you. My story is just a mirror reflection of the larger fractal. I hope you enjoy it.
This is episode 1 from Diary of a Free Spirit.I started writing this diary last summer, half a year before knowing that Steemit exists. When I found out about it, I knew I had to publish everything I'd written here. It feels like this platform will receive my story and my message.
Thanks for taking the time to read this article. If you resonate, upvote, resteem and follow me for the next episodes of Diary of A Free Spirit.
I'm looking forward to sharing with you the struggles I encountered as I exited the conventional path and followed my heart into the unknown, with my intuition as my only reliable guide...
... how I healed some of my deepest wounds and taken leaps of faith way beyond my comfort zone...
... how I reinvented myself and survived the dark nights of my soul, emerging like a Phoenix from her ashes...
... how I reclaimed my power and broken the chains of attachment towards toxic people, situations and substances...
... and many other interesting things that will intrigue you, inspire you, and hopefully empower you to BE MORE OF WHO YOU TRULY ARE AND SHINE YOUR MAGNIFICENCE :)
From my heart to yours...
Be You, Be Wild, Be Free!
Bristena,
#DiaryOfaFreeSpirit
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