I haven't opened my curtains in a long time. I've been feeling overwhelmed lately, by everything. I'm constantly avoiding to perform the simplest tasks. This tends to happen every year around this time.
It starts slowly, like building walls brick by brick. Gradually I wake up later and later in the morning, until I find myself in bed all day without any productivity. Daily life slowly becomes characterized by skipping showers, skipping meals, dishes and waste pilling up everywhere, being awake at odd hours and isolating myself from the world.
I can't tell you when was the last time I felt the sun on my skin or the gentle caress of a breeze. The chirping birds outside remind me of another world beyond these walls. A reluctant glance towards my phone reveals an alarming number of missed calls and an even more alarming mountain of unopened text messages in my inbox. I meant to miss them, but not so many.
There's something terrifying about being an unproductive member of society. Especially when I cannot pinpoint a reason. Week after week of stagnation, it's as if my mind has forgotten how to perform the most mundane tasks. I find myself wishing for things that are as easy as taking a walk to the park.
Eventually, my sloth-like existence starts causing me anxiety. I no longer enjoy being in bed all day or binging on my favourite shows. The funny YouTube videos are no longer funny. Nothing is fun. I've lost all interest...
Some people complain of a blue Monday. What if every minute of survival feels blue. I find myself unwilling to accept the terrible "B" and "D" words... bipolar... depression.
These walls I've created are marred with guilt and shame. It takes every fibre of will and determination to put these words together. I don't know if they make sense, or if anyone out there understands me. Perhaps I write with the hope that I am not alone, that I too can someday break these walls, and end this cycle. I want to open the curtain, and let the sunshine in.
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