There he is again. I thought this time he may not be coming back, but I hear his voice and I feel that old familiar touch as he moves up my spine. I remain in shock, speechless, dumbfounded. How did he find me? Why has he returned? What is it that he wants from me this time? Am I strong enough to resist?
"failure"
He whispers in my ear.
"worthless"
As a tear rolls down my check
I thought I was done with you. I was convinced I was stronger than that.
"We are not through"
"Everything you have done was for nothing"
His voice grows more powerful as it echoes in my ears. Like a demon conjured by mistake, unnamed and unknown. I know him, I've been wrapped in his grasp before. I've struggled for years to survive his never-ending torment. I had believed this battle for my soul was over.
"filthy piece of shit"
"pervert"
"pig"
"stupid"
"idiot"
I try to quite his voice. I attempt to distract myself by writing. Where is this coming from?
"YOU WORTHLESS BUM"
"YOU ARE NOT FIT TO BE A FATHER"
"NO ONE CARES FOR YOU"
It's back. The real darkness. I thought I had grown immune.
"fool"
He's right I am a fool. My pride had become too strong. Thinking I was so charming, witty, clever and beautiful. That I had any idea I could amount to something. That I could be a part of something great. That I knew anything at all. I allowed it to happen again. I allowed others to build up my self-worth with their words. I allowed myself to dream of my dreams becoming reality.
"you knew all along they were being nice to take advantage of you"
Fuck!! he's right. My fingers type faster as the words come flowing through my head. I am a failure, I'm worthless and this is all pointless. Why did I ever dare to hope? Why couldn't I just count my blessings and bow my head in solitary compliance? Why couldn't I leave well enough alone?
My energy drains from me. My head grows heavy and slow as my feet and hands start to tingle into a numbing cold state.
"welcome home my friend. You thought you got away, but this is far from over and it won't be until you give me what I want"
I know what he wants. I've known it for a while now.
"release"
He and I have been trapped in the same cell for as long as I can remember. I never got away. I simply had a better imagination than he did. He hated me for this. There is only one way out of this prison.
"yes, yes, look over there it's a ledge"
I can't do it. Stop asking me!!! I won't do it!!! We've always desired the same thing. He's just accepted it and I, the one with the means to do it, have always refused.
"worthless, dirty, trashy, ugly, fat, stupid, faggot they will all leave you in the end"
"You know we can't handle that again"
Better to love and lost than never love at all
"What a load of shit"
"Keep feeding yourself bullshit, garbage inspirational quotes"
I won't give up. I can't give in. I may never be free, but damn it! I'm going to go out fighting.
He laughs harder and harder.
"so be it you panty waste, I can wait"
I believe he can and I believe he will. Some days are harder than others. Some nights go without rest. Some thoughts lead to tragic results. Some emotions spiral out of control and will bring you to your knees. This is just another step toward nothing. A place I left so long ago that I no longer remember it, but I can feel it inside me. A place where I am finally free, so free that I forget the word freedom.
Today he is winning, but tomorrow is after all another day and I've been here before.