i have a roof over my head (for now) and coffee and eggs, I’ve already managed to have a good start to the day — maybe that’s entitled, I should be thankful all the same for everything I have, in each moment. I’m becoming more aware of that for some reason, whatever the reason know I’m thankful to notice it, it means I was present, not just existing.
I’ve had a really difficult couple of days since thursday. I’m not sure completely why but I went into friday running on fumes, maybe it’s the crappy sleep and next to nothing REM sleep (barely been getting 30 minutes) or just the looping seemingly short time frames of the day to day — I’ve just got out of sync with time, especially when it comes to sprints and feeling achievements — this heatwave has really done a number on me.
I feel a little bit mad max I guess at the moment but the wasteland is my mind, I’ve got all these little tasks/chores to do each day and no matter what, something else comes in — just as I thought that I’d got a handle on summer I completely gap about the six week holidays.
I don’t know if you remember that last year, I had no idea how I would get through that, even less so now if I’m honest — this year seems bigger too what with the school changes, i mean I realise that’s she’s older but the last few years have been a blur and I feel like I’ve wasted so much time.
Like one of those new rifts in fortnite I feel like I pop out and pick up once a week and then pop back in after what seems like a few hours but it’s actually often just half of a day, I guess it’s not knowing the challenges to come, self evaluating my position in the world — feel like by putting myself in this position for this kind of life I’ve restricted the potential maybe of others. I know I’m hella selfish but this one has been very hard to swallow.
The whole point for me was to get back to the creative side that constantly nags at me and really go to town with that, make it work, I’ve got so far on the limited resources and then excuses and apathy, focus have slowed me down to a near stop on the last few days — I know it’s probably just exhaustion and I realise that I’m coming back out the other side but it’s been having a knock on effect to everything.
The older I get the less I wanna be discussing and going over the usual bullshit, I feel it’s a waste of the precious time we have here on planet earth, whatever the next episode looks like I’m ready, even if it’s riding on the back of a comet somewhere — some days I feel like the truman show.
At least I had breakfast to put in my belly eh and I’ve got that coffee on deck, I’m gonna go in on coffee today and I’m certainly gonna hit the hay early tonight, I want to get on those early starts this week, I have too — I just have to get my accountability up and stop the apathy in it’s tracks.
Everyone has the same issues and problems, that’s life - it’s what we do about them and how we step through, I know this is just some kind of form of distraction economy energy that I’ve gotta step through and come out the other side, I’ve gotta put whatever is causing the block on timeout and just push through — I know that.
So let’s see how today goes, I’ve woke up at least and wrote to you, next up I’ll work on the top 10 and then also a vlog for the day mainly discussing and talking about the shock of mentally waking up to the realisation that your daughter is heading to another school and that time is travelling much faster than before and you need to pick things up.
Feel that every waking moment should be doing everything in my potential to shape and curate the future that I/we/us want and I should do everything in my earthly power to do that — I guess everyone is on the same tip right, everyone wants a slice of balance.
Especially if that slice of balance was cake, I’d really be into a cake right now, just feeling a sweet tooth today. I might try and get a bit of a nap today before the match, maybe take a rest around 2pm today for a few hours before the footy starts at a 4pm.
Sorry for not being very communicative but I’ve just not wanted to share or discuss or vocalise it because I’m not entirely sure why my brain thought it was worth the brain cycles to keep on looping around the issue — I think I just had a bunch of things happen at once and the realisation that I was not doing enough and struggled to see how I could make more things happen with the sleep I’m currently getting.
man I wish the bed area was more comfortable — might change that up for tonight. Ok, let’s get this day, time to get something constructive of a day together that will form the basis of the rest of the week eh?
I’ll speak to you shortly.
Lots of love and hugs and stuff,
Da Mouser,
T E A M H U M B L E