The idea for this post was stuck in my head for several months now. I haven’t written anything on this blog for ages. But this doesn’t mean I haven’t written anything at all.
German speaking people might have read some of my few recent pieces at the blog Salonkolumnisten. Besides that, I’ve written tens of thousands of words for my first book, which I am about to finish rather sooner than later. I have no idea what happens afterwards (which seems a bit ironic since a large part of the book is dedicated to set and accomplish goals), but I guess, I will find some new challenges to work on. Or I’m just trying to resolve the current ones.
What were the reasons that kept me from writing for this blog?
The most important one was probably my low energy level. Writing a pop-sci book is exhausting, especially the sci-part. If your own standards are quite high, you have to put a lot of effort into research, cross-checking theories and finding ways to present these findings as entertaining and correct as possible. After spending a couple of hours working on the book, I simply lacked the energy to do something similar for a science-blog. Besides that, I had to deal with my usual stuff like fighting the consequences of borderline and depression, struggling with addiction and finding a meaningful purpose for my life. I’m still searching for the latter but one day maybe that will change eventually. Hashtag nevergiveup. Either I find meaning and purpose or I just start an Instagram channel and pretend I found all the answers you never asked for. It’s always healthy to have a plan B in life. Or to have a plan at all.
I spent a lot of time on researching of how to achieve goals and motivate yourself, quite successful I might argue. But I still struggle sometimes to determine what I want to do at all. If everything feels indifferent for you, it’s tough to find anything worth achieving. Apparently, this is not a light-hearted, feel-good post about me, myself and my amazing life but some thoughts I need to clarify for myself. Someone asked me a while ago, why I’m writing so openly about my own struggles. It was never purely about attention-seeking. Sure, attention is nice and all, but there are definitely easier ways to get it. Writing about these things is my way to understand my own thoughts. The character of Sherlock Holmes in one of my favourite series, Elementary, put it this way:
"I found over the years that nothing clears up a difficult case so much as stating it to another person. I talk, they listen and in talking I make connections I may have otherwise missed."
There were situations with friends when I talked for hours and they just listened, only occasionally asking clarifying questions. Writing is similar to that. I don’t expect answers or ideas, I probably don’t even want them, but just the process of writing itself is quite insightful. In addition to that, I’m not doing this only for me but for others as well. Whenever I publicly wrote about mental health issues, either here, on Facebook or other media, there were people afterwards who reached out to me. Some of them thanked me for providing their thoughts with an open voice; sometimes they even told me about their own struggles. I heard many tragic stories during the years, which people shared with me in private conversations because I was able to give them a feeling of not walking this road alone. Every time I decide to write openly about myself, I also open a door for other people, and some might even enter and share parts of their lives with me. I always feel incredibly grateful for these moments because it proves my work is not in vain. A friend once told me, I was able to help one of her friends, a guy I’ve never met and probably never will, just because of the things I’m writing. Realizing that my work actually matters provides me in turn with meaning and purpose – the very things I’m searching for every day. That’s at least a start, I guess. Writing about mental health is far more complex than mere attention-seeking. There is so much more to it. Millions of people struggle with it and if I’m able to contribute a small part in relieving some of the pain, then I’m glad doing it.
At this point, I have no idea whether I will return to a regular schedule of writing for this blog. Probably not before I have finished my manuscript. My German readers will be able to find (hopefully) more at my website which I’m currently setting up, but there will be another post about that on its own. I’m not sure how I see my future on this platform. I’m not really a part of any community anymore since I have been gone for far too long. Some people I met here even had to suffer because of me and I somehow doubt, it would be a good idea to reconnect with the communities said people belong to. I don’t want to reopen old wounds. I don’t want to make the same mistakes again. Maybe this is some kind of farewell (I’m aware of the irony that I wasn’t even here for the past four months). I don’t know, yet. Don’t expect too much new content here, it’s more likely I will move to another place for good at some point. Sure, if there are suddenly a lot of people who basically beg me to stay and be more active again, I might reconsider this idea, but I have my doubts. And no, this is not a poorly hidden attempt to receive said begging voices, I genuinely doubt there are many people who will be sad, if I stay away. That’s alright though. During the 10 months I used this platform actively I learned quite a lot about different topics, other people and myself. I’m a different person now compared to who I was a year ago. Trivial statement, I know, but true, nevertheless. Maybe that’s what life is all about: searching for an island of purpose inside an ocean of triviality. The struggle of overcoming the banality of life.