As someone who comes from a family background that was, shall we say, less than optimal... I have sought ways to heal from wounds that've resulted in unwanted limitations.
Today I was listening to a talk on trauma and its relationship to healthy/unhealthy attachment, given by neurobiologist Sarah Peyton and her associate Susan Sky. I gained some useful insights vis a vis my own attachment styles, but that's not where I want to go with this essay.
You see, both of these teacher/therapists work in the field of NonViolent Communication (NVC). And one thing that really caught my attention when I began learning about this approach to... what? Communication? Well, yes and no. It definitely affects communication, but it really is about a consciousness, a change of focus. A transformation has to take place internally before anything manifests on the outside. That transformation is in one's perspective — basically from judgement, to understanding the needs that motivate our behavior. This work gets done both toward ourselves and regarding others.
What caught my attention in Marshall Rosenberg's original text on the subject (NonViolent Communication, A Language of Life) was a conclusion he drew from his experience as a psychotherapist. He found that diagnosing people with psychiatric disorders was't helpful for their recovery. Rather, his practice and subsequent studies have shown that empathy, rather than diagnosis and "treatment" is more effective at healing a preponderance of emotional issues.
One study I recall replaced clinical psychologists with lay people and compared the outcomes. Surprise: the recovery rate was better in subjects who were "counseled" by lay people! Why? Because there was more capacity for empathy in that test group.
Now, I'm not saying psychologists are devoid of empathy, far from it. Maybe it's that a focus on diagnosing and following a treatment strategy might be a distraction. Imagine: If you get a diagnosis, that means there's something wrong with you that needs to be fixed, right? So by definition you're broken. Yet the study of systems shows us how elegantly our unconscious molds our behavior for survival relative to our circumstances.
Contemporary neurobiology shows that by giving ourselves and others empathy (respectful understanding, rather than labeling) — the nervous system relaxes and trauma begins to heal.
We all want to be accepted as we are; we all yearn to be understood. So when our focus shifts from what we should be and do, to curiosity about what we are/were looking for (at a deeper level of common human need) — then our nervous systems unwind (in a good way!).
So what does that have to do with language? Oh, I love how inextricably interconnected thinking and language are! We can listen to ourselves and others and immediately understand how a mind (or heart-mind, as Buddhism teaches) is disposed.
As an example, I might judge myself or someone else as lazy. How might I reframe that thought in terms of understanding and respect? Hmmm... curiosity. I wonder why that person isn't motivated right now? Fatigue, or chronic low energy? Downtrodden and discouraged? Self esteem so low they don't believe they can accomplish? Angry about not getting paid what they're worth so they just... stopped? Many other possibilities exist, of course.
Guaranteed my "lazy" label is incapable of describing the totality of a person's situation. So maybe I can speak to them (or myself) with a softer, more open, inquisitive mind. And they'll feel it. And that makes a difference.
