I would like to thank everyone who reached out, wishing me a speedy recovery. 3 weeks ago I had emergency surgery, I had a tumor the size of my fist, a hole in my intestines, and severe life threatening sepsis. As you may have known I had been struggling with health issues on and off for the last 3 years, I remeber during Hive Fest mexico, there were days I could barely walk. Everything from terrible insomnia, to various infections, to unbearable pain for stretches of months at a time. I got various diagnoses, tried different things, changed my diet, everything within my power, I tried. 3 weeks ago, everything came to a head. What I thought was food poisoning turned out to be something very different. 4 weeks ago, something changed, for the worse, and as the days crept by, my health fell off a cliff. Until, Friday, at about 1am, I felt my body start to stop functioning, by 5am, I was barely able to move. We went to the ER at 5am, it was in Tijuana, over a hour's drive. Thankfully, my wife chose the right hospital, because if we had chosen wrong, I would not be here today to thank you all. The surgeon said, had we waited any longer, he feared the worse. The surgery was the worst they have ever experienced, my condition was as bad as they come. They pumped over 5 liters of pus and poison from my body, opened me up, and did emergency surgery. I remember the last thing I wanted was surgery going in, I had no idea what I had in store, but I am thankful for how it turned out, and lucky to have a world class surgeon. When they said we need to have surgery now, I took a breath, aligned myself, and trusted in god. For some reason, almost as if a voice told me, trust this surgeon, you will be ok.
I woke up in the ICU in a deep fog. As I wiped my eyes, I lifted my shirt, and my entire stomach was covered in bandages. I had a colostomy bag, and I had no clue what had happened or what was going on. I didnt even look at my wounds, I just lowered my shirt, and rested my head. Usually, I would have a million thoughts intruding my mind, from all directions, the past, the future, but in that moment there was nothing but silence. Out of the silence, a voice said, one moment at a time, and the first 3 days in the ICU proved that to be true. All I could do was live in the moment, ensure my breathing was correct, as it was hard to breathe those first days.
3 weeks later, here I am, at my computer, typing this to you all. I didnt even like getting my blood taken before this. When I had left the hospital, there wasn't a vein in my body that had not been poked. I had marks all over my arms. But when you are faced with your biggest discomforts, you realize something about yourself and life in general. A, release, a letting go, it was out of my hands, and that is a very humbling feeling.
As a poker player, whenever you get a free roll, your gameplay feels light, easier, you don't fear so much about what will happen, you just play your game, in the moment, and let the chips fall where they may. I have that feeling, the lightness, the fact I could have just as easily played my last hand that day, but instead, I've been dealt another hand, with new chips, and this time, I will play with all of my heart.
I realized how much of my life I wasn't actually living. When you are on that bed of uncertainty, not knowing what the next hour will bring, you don't think of all the riches, or even glory, you think of the small things, to see your kids grow, to hug your wife, a call from your brother, the smile of a friend. You realize you have everything that is most dear to you, right in front of you, but it's just the thoughts of the future/past that suck you away from the moment, dampening the things you cherish the most. Once stripped of all ego, you have nothing left but humility, and what is most important shines so bright, you feel foolish at the time you spent in your head, instead of life.
I've had health issues for so long, and though I might feel weaker today phycially, the lightest I've ever weighed as an adult, I feel stronger than I ever have. The days don't just wash by like they used to. I always caught myself saying, "Where did the time go?" the time went because I never paid attention to it, constantly living outside of the moment. What the hospital instilled in me was focus.
There are too many to thank, so many stepped out when I needed them the most, and that is a feeling I won't soon forget, and the actions I will always appreciate.
Before my surgery, I was working on 5 apps for Hive, I believe these apps can help shape the future of how Hive is perceived. For me, my biggest passion has always been what we are all doing here, building freedom tools, working as a community, and helping make the world a better place. I wish to teach my kids the way, the Hive way. For me, family, friends and Hive is my focus, and I've never been more focused or deteremined in my life.
I am thankful to be able to continue building, and build I will. All the health issues I had, the extreme pain, the sleepless nights, the restless mind, the agony I didn't even know I had because I had grown so used to living in such conditions. I feel like Picollo, when removing the weighted vest, all that weight, crushing me for so many years, and I had no idea I was bearing such a burden. I feel completely different now, my mind is at ease, the pains I experienced on almost a daily basis are gone. Now I get to see how I build, how I live, with a clean slate. I am not out of the woods yet, but I certainly see the light through the trees. I feel like I am finally moving in a direction that will better serve me, my friends, and my family. I live in the moment now, but can't help but feel excitement for what the future may bring, whatever it brings. I made my peace, I feel at peace, and now it's time to help build peace. I really believe in what we are doing here, with all of my heart, and it is a blessing to be able to be alongside you all for the next leg of my journey.
I wish you all abundance in all things, especially health. There is no greater teacher.
The surgeon said something that has stayed with me, "sometimes in life we fall, but you have to stand back up, and keep going" - simple words, with a powerful effect. Well, I am standing now, tall, stronger spiritually than I've ever been.
