"We will be fine." My father said.
I looked at him, and I could see beyond those words he said. He said it in a careful tone; still, it's obvious he's trying to hide some things behind that voice.
I knew within me that we were not fine, like nothing was actually fine.
I was sitting in our parlor together with my mother and my father. My mom seems to be busy with the few naira notes she was counting. She was so busy with it, I knew she wasn't paying attention to the money she was counting because she kept counting and recounting it as if the money would multiply itself each time she recounted.
"Dad, how much do we have left?" I was asking about the debt we still have left to pay.
"Not much." He said, not looking at me.
"Mummy, won't you talk?" I said, looking at her.
"My dear, go and rest. Don't stress yourself." She said, smiling.
And that was the moment I made the mistake. There are times when I decided to not act weak or let them see me weak or down anymore.
I thought about everything they've spent on me at the hospital. I was feeling it, like I was the one who put them in the situation they are in. Using every single penny to pay debt. I was disturbed. Nobody called me a burden or acted like I was weighing them down, but I called myself a burden, a weight.
And that was when and how I began to act strong. Even when I'm feeling uncomfortable inside of me, I wouldn't say anything. If I couldn't do or handle something, I wouldn't say anything; I would just push through. There are a lot of times I'm so overwhelmed that I can't afford to cry or act sad, weak, sick, or tired in their presence. And that was how I turned into someone who always locks himself up in the room.
My mom, who always had free entrance into my room, now became someone who needs to knock and wait for me to open up the door before she can come in. There are even times I wouldn't open up; I would just answer her from the other side of the door.
I can very well remember one of my instances when she came by....
"Toyosi, hope you're fine." She said as she knocked.
"Yes, I'm fine." I replied, trying so hard to not make my voice betray me.
"But you've not come out to take your food." She said.
"I'm not hungry." I replied.
"Are you sure you're fine?" She asked.
"Mum, I'm fine." I replied in a way that sounds like I wouldn't want her to press the matter.
So, I learned some customization works, and that was shown when I began to take small jobs. I began to make frames, throw pillows, magic mugs, and the like. When they (my parents) asked me why I'm disturbing myself and all, I simply told them I am not and that I just wanted to keep myself busy. But the truth is, I was trying to pay back their love like it was a loan to be repaid.
One evening, I was so tired and stressed that I just lay down on the bed. As I was about to doze off, light came. I had an unfinished work, and I was already thinking of how to deliver it the following day, so immediately I noticed light came, I quickly stood up from the bed and began to do some finishing on the frame. Not long after I began the adjustment, my hands began to shake, not from weakness but from pressure. And I didn't want to stop; I must deliver this work the following day. If I stop or put a pause on this thing I claimed I'm using to keep myself busy, I might collapse; I mean everything may/would collapse.
As I was rounding up that night and wrapping up the frame, I heard my parents voices in their room, which was just next to mine. I didn't want to step out so they wouldn't switch the topic or the discussion they were having. So, I moved to the door side and put my ears in the door; that way, I was able to hear them more clearly.
"I'm sure we will pay it all soon." My father said.
"Remember you're retired." My mother replied to him gently.
"Well, what else can we do?. We must not make him feel guilty." My father said, and sighed.
That sigh says it all; it was not the normal or usual kind of sigh. I didn't even know what snapped inside of me; I just opened my door and, without knocking, opened the door to their room and entered.
Immediately I entered, they both looked at me surprised. Did they think I wasn't listening or that I must have slept off.
"Toyosi, what's wrong? Why are you not sleeping?" My mother said and continued, "Hope you're fine."*
"I can hear you both. I know it's not easy, and I know how much it has cost. I know." I said, almost bursting into tears.
My father stood up and came near; he patted me on the back and said, "Sit down."
But I wouldn't listen.
"No, I'm not sitting. I know what to do. I will work more and make sure to make it easier for you." I responded.
"And who told you you are a problem?" He asked, looking straight into my eyes.
"It is what I know." I responded.
"I don't understand you." My mother managed to say.
"I know I'm the reason you're struggling." I said, looking down.
Immediately I made that statement, silence filled the room.
"When you were in the hospital, did we complain? Ever since you've been discharged, have we complained?" My dad asked.
"No." I responded.
"Then where's all of this coming from? Why all this stress and calculation?" He said.
That word does something to me....
"I don't want to disappoint you." I said and broke down into tears. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
"You are loved, dear." My mom said as she bent down near me.
"Don't try to insult our love for you by trying to repay it." My father added immediately.
That word hit me real hard. I had mistaken a lot of things for another thing, and I was already disappearing inside myself while trying to prove I was worth keeping.
That was the mistake I made; assuming I had not tried to carry it all alone, that conversation might never have happened. I probably would have just continued to shrink quietly inside while smiling on the outside.
I'm still working till now, and I still try to help when I can. But anytime my mom asks if I'm fine and doing okay, I no longer rush to give her lies as an answer. I tell her the way it is, and she in turn would calm me and tell me everything will be fine, while still letting me know at every instance to make sure to rest, as my health is the most important.
The best mistake I ever made was believing that I had to suffer myself silently just to prove that I was grateful.
And to be honest with you, it almost cost me my peace.
That mistake almost had me buried, but it finally taught me how to breathe again. And in the end, it gave me my family back in a way I never really understood before.
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First and last images are AI-generated; all others are my own.
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