In my journey of 1- realizing I am/was/is/has/have/had an addict, and 2- owning everything that entails, nothing hurt more than the instant rejection from people I would never hurt. The people who would turn a cold shoulder like I had done them some unspeakable wrong, without any foul on my part. It was like I was already some fiend, robbing them in the night, and this douchebag disease was highly contagious, if they even looked at me, then they’d be sick too.
If you find yourself at the point in your life where you are willing to start smoking meth, chances are your life has been heading in a downward spiral for some time. I am here for you, I understand how drugs and addiction actually work, and be prepared to feel completely abandoned. Star crossed lovers will leave when they find out, and call it self love. Through sickness and through health, until they decide something unconditional doesn’t agree with your condition. It’s ok. You will meet someone truly understanding, who is patient, a prime example of true love. Because that’s what it takes to love someone sick like you. They will support you, time and time again. Just like an undying, indiscriminate love would do. They wouldn’t abandon their lover for their own self. No matter how selfish your disease has made you.
Be prepared to lose your family. Because who in the hell raised you this way. My family is an amazing and understanding unit who, not only did not abandon me when I found myself a shattered mess on the ground, they pieced both me and my husband together again. Leaving us in better condition then they found us. His family, however, took away his privilege to see his kids. They spewed nasty remarks. They abandoned him, and called it his abuse. Their loss, my most wonderful gainBe prepared to lose your friends, you know, the ones that, on their most exciting day smoke a little weed and wake up past 11 AM. They will claim open hearts with closed minds. They will help messy your life then blame drugs when it’s time to tidy it up. It’s ok, you’ll grow stronger, bigger, brighter than before if you have to go through this all by yourself. Think about the word friend when the weather is fair again.
If you’re anything but a drug dealer or stripper, your job may be at stake. It’s cool, find your local drug dealer, that dude has some alternative employment options for you. Or strip. You won’t lose your job due to performance, but due to a legal, and therefore morally justifiable type of discrimination. Unless you’re so high you’re fucking up at work. Then, be honest with yourself, that’s on you. Get out of the bathroom and get back to work! You got a habit to support.All this traumatic stress, this loss, this discrimination, disrespect, disaster that has become your life, that is the color on a white canvas. It is what will allow you to not give a fuck, because you’re past pain, you’re done hurting, there’s no time to grieve. This isn’t pain, this is trauma. And it’ll feel painful some days, and amazing some other days. It’ll be a full spectrum of color that builds the particles of your being. It’ll be up to you what associations you assign to those colors.
