There are days that make me think why am I doing this to my self? I don’t have to work 7 days a week, I don’t need to make 20h shifts. To whom I’m trying to prove a point? And what is the point even? I love what I do, but it doesn’t change the fact I’m missing balance right now. On the other hand, I work so I would have money to enjoy my free time and the trip to Poland next month. And on the another hand I’m draining my self so dry that I probably just sleep in Poland.
Everything I do now is for future. So I could take it a bit easier later. I know it is crazy and unhealthy to stack up the working hours like I do but in some sadistic way I also love it. It makes me feel useful and hard worker, it makes me feel like I’m better than others to be honest.
I’ve always worked a lot, it is something I learned in early age. In my family your value as a human being was always measured in scale how much did you work, how busy you were. I’m wise enough to know that the whole pattern is at minimum unhealthy but it is fairly hard to get rid of habits that are built into you. The pattern way I think and the way I act are in huge conflict. I know that what I’m doing is ridiculous but I still stay with my habits.
Being busy makes me a better person. Being diligent justifies the way I think from lazy people. And if I wouldn’t work any extra I would be one of the lazy ones? Not doing anything is something that makes me feel enormously guilty. I’ve told about my nap hangovers before, that I can’t take naps even if my body demands them because I feel so bad afterwards. I feel useless and angry that I have waisted precious time.
For me sleeping is just mandatory bad thing I have to do so my body won’t start to fail me. It is wasting time. (There is one exception to this but let’s leave that to some other time)
They say that the first step for getting better and cured is to admit that there is a problem.
Okay now when that is done, what is the next step?
