Toxic

I am my own worst enemy. This, more than any other trait, proves my fundamental humanity.

The last couple of weeks I've been going through an interesting transformation. This happens sometimes when I have "ah-ha moments".

There have been so many times that I have believed other's opinions of me above my own logic. To my detriment. It's a behavioural self observation of mine. A ridiculous behaviour. You see, I am my own worst critic and I have put myself under the gun for so many things in the past that weren't even originally my own fault or of my making. I take responsibility for things that simply aren't mine to carry. I accept blame for things that aren't even true. I let others drag me down with opinions of me that are based on things that aren't a reflection of the real world.

The longer I've been on my own, the more I have had the opportunity to take a step back and observe a wider view, I've been noticing how exceptionally toxic I have been to myself in the past. And you know what is so unbelievably unhealthy? When you buy rhetoric that comes from unhealthy or unreliable sources. Especially those that may know you better than others may...it's more likely that you will believe what they say.

I'm throwing this away today along with the other junk that I've been getting rid of. Things that are not useful to me; don't serve a purpose to me or my growth and only serve to tear me up inside using my own nails...I can choose to be my own worst enemy or my own best friend.

I've never been particularly kind to myself and I tend to let things sink in instead of letting them bounce off. I will volunteer to take constructive criticism and hear a point of view, but verbage that is spewed at me without any good reason or for something that was not a fault of mine doesn't deserve to take up space in my mind.

I recently was told some really nasty things. They were aimed well below the belt and the person sending them knew my vulnerabilities. They decided to use those against me to break me down. At first it really got to me and made me angry. Then I caught myself believing some of it, questioning other parts of it and I then felt bad - I felt rotten to the core in fact because I started believing what they had said. A few days went by and I revisited the accusations from a vantage point where I had some objective distance between myself and the words. It was then that I laughed out loud! I laughed at myself at first. What an idiot I was to believe any of that rubbish. Then I laughed at the person that threw it at me and I reminded myself of the dishonesty that person had previously repeatedly displayed. The continual toxic traits of hatred towards those that they felt challenged or threatened by. And that included me.

Why?

I am actually a very strong person. I have endured and survived a lot in my life and I'm still here. I am in no way perfect, my body shows wear and tear, scars of triumph and of failure. My mind is a messy place and sometimes it doesn't make sense to me, much like the world around me sometimes too. But I'm by no means weak of spirit or of character. I have weaknesses yes, but I am strong in just as many countering aspects.

I also know that people who cannot gain power over someone by manipulation will resort to any other means necessary to try and get their way. But I'm not playing that game.

I laughed some more when I realised that I had wasted the better part of two days feeling like an abject failure in so many aspects because of jealousy and arrogance, pride and hubris, greed and self-righteousness...the traits of someone who will happily pull and tear those around them down in order to try and keep themselves above. The common denominator here is that everybody then loses.

In a way I pity people like this because they are often so oblivious to the damage they cause. But not today! Today I am standing up for myself and choosing to rather be my own best friend rather than my own worst enemy. I am choosing to believe what I know to be true about who I am instead of taking someone else's opinions into account. I am choosing to be loyal to myself and those I care about instead of believing the venom that has been hurled at me.

I'm also choosing to say NO. I'm dismissing the hatred. Return to sender - I am not tolerating it anymore.

I have been cutting off people that I no longer deem worthy of my trust or time, I'm now cutting off thoughts of the same nature. It starts now. I will stand up for myself because there's only one of me and I have to have my own back before anyone else can.

If you've experienced this kind of negative self belief in the past, how did you choose to move out of it and tell me in the comments how it changed your life once you had turned it around.

_{The image is my own}