A few years back I had a mental break. I didn't see it coming. Well, maybe I did and ignored the signs. Either way it happened.
I wasn't myself. I was angry all the time and lashed out at people who didn't deserve it. I blamed everyone and everything else for my problems and started doing things outside the norm. I was associating with people I had no business being around, on and offline. Making choices that made no sense looking back.
It was the opposite of who I am or who I thought I was.
Let me be clear, mental health struggles don't excuse behavior. They might explain it, but they don't excuse it. I made those choices, said those things and hurt those people. That's on me. Not my circumstances or my mental state.
Me, I own it.
It almost cost me everything. My wife almost divorced me. My kids were ready to disown me. Friends walked away and relatives still don't talk to me to this day. I burned bridges I can never rebuild. Some people saw what I became during that time and that's all they'll ever see. I don't blame them and gave them every reason to walk away.
I fucked up. Plain and simple.
The turning point was my wife telling me she was done. That woke me up, finally. I sought mental health care and started doing the work I should have done before everything fell apart.
I've come out the other side and that was a long time ago now. But I'm still a work in progress. Fighting my demons daily as I like to say. Some days I win and some days it's a draw.
The point is I keep fighting.
I'm not proud of who I was during that period. But I own it, no excuses, no shifting blame. That was me who did those things. I hurt those people and have to live with that. The apologies I owe can never fully repair what I broke.
What I can control is who I am now and who I'm becoming. I can't undo the damage. I can only make sure I don't become that person again. I can show through my actions that I've changed even if some people never believe it.
Thanks for reading,
Joe
Notes:
-All content is mine unless otherwise annotated.
-Images are my own unless otherwise noted.
-Photos edited using MS Paint and/or iPhone SE.
-Page Dividers from The Terminal Discord.
