Order of Photography
You are at a wedding ceremony, the couple have just danced out of the church and are standing at the colourful background to take the customary photos. A crowd is forming around them. You are standing quietly, minding your business and waiting for your turn to snap with the couple.
The anxious looking groom suddenly gazes around and rushes towards you.
"Hello bro, please help us. Our Mc is indisposed, he is having runny stomach and is right now shitting his life away in the loo, please be our Emcee and officiate the order of photography. Here is the wedding program!"
You are stunned.
"But...but I am not an Emcee! I have not done this before"
"Please you can do it. Help us!"
A microphone is thrown at you. You collect it with a sigh and try to compose yourself.
"Hello...."
Your voice sounds hoarse. You clear your throat and take a deep breath.
"Alright everybody we are about to start taking photos with the couple. As the Mc of this event and as a realist, I am going to change the order of photographs and overhaul everything in this program...em...em...All photographers should please line up in front of the couple and get ready, meanwhile all of you people should move backwards to free some space for the couple"
Flurry of movements
"Alright! Couple with Sponsors of the wedding! All the people who gave this man money to marry should come out and take pictures now. I heard he borrowed money from the Osusu contribution in his workplace...where is Dr Emenyi the manager of Iron bank? I heard the groom took a bank loan from your bank. Oya all of you smile and say Cheeeeese...Don't worry the couple will pay their debts. They won't run away...say cheeseeee"
Snap...snap...snap
"Err...photographer have you taken the picture? Is it okay?"
"Yes bozz!"
"Thank you! Now Couple with all Exes, side chicks, boyfriends and girlfriends. Come over!"
Gasp of disbelief in the crowd.....Shuffling of feet
"Yes, stand close to the bride and try to fake a smile all of you...Sorry o, if una been the game wella, at least one of you would be the one wearing this wedding gown...Now say cheeeeese"
Snap...snap...snap
"Ani Johnson have you captured them well? Crystal clear high definition photos?....oh okay"
"Thank you! Now, couple with all uninvited guests. You don't know the couple from Adam, they didn't give you their wedding invitation card but you have found yourself as a guest at this wedding, come out and snap now"
Laughter from the crowd...Flurry of movement
"Wow, what a crowd! So all of you came here to chop free jollof rice in this recession period and collect phone numbers abi? Position your self well and strike a good pose...for goodness sake don't suffocate the couple! Meanwhile all the village people should be on standby, you are next on line"
snap...snap...snap
"Thank you....thank you!...Now, couple with village people...All the village people from the bride's and groom's side who swore that these young people won't get married this year, you see your life? Oya come out now!"
...Poa!...
A thunderous slap lands on your face and you stagger on your feet...the stars of David are circling over your head.
"What...who...who are you? Why are you slapping me?"
Slap
A husky voice is yelling..."Is this what you were asked to do? Is all this part of the wedding program? Move over here right now!
The bride has fainted...the groom is wailing:"This man has ruined my wedding!"
"Leave me alone, stop pushing me! I am the Mc, I am a realist"
Slap
Your knees give way and you fall flat on the ground in a coma. You are running inside a dark underground tunnel with no end in sight.
