I have had several discussions over the years, with respect to people labeling me a "slut" or even more so "a bad mother/parent".
For those people, this post is for you. For you to see my side of these harsh, disgusting, absolutely fucking annoying words. (yes, I cuss. I mean if you know this blog, you KNOW I cuss... plus, there is some influence from listening to "Bad Husband" - by Eminem... and just having some really horrible old memories come back as of late. )
First and foremost, I am a mother (not adopted, not step, not someone else's kids...) to 5 beautiful kids. David, Austin , Nicolas, Darryn and Kailani. My ohana.
Secondly... and I have to say this with a touch of vulgarity - who the -fuck- do you think you are, calling me a slut? Or a whore? Or someone who fucks others for electronics. Like, what the fuck? All I have been doing in the past 24 years of my life, is raising children. I am 40, will be 41 this year. You do the bloody math. When in the blue bloody hell would I have had time to be a "slut" or a "whore." Have you seriously looked up the definition of those words?
I was with one man from the time I was 15, until the time I was 22. ONE MAN. We brought 3 children into this world. I was just a teenager when I started dating a 20 year old man...and you know, we thought things would work. Little by little, after each child.. I came to see these little quirks between us, which weren't working out. I was constantly accused of cheating, when I did no such thing. I stayed home, if I wasn't addicted to my computer, raising my kids. When I left, I weighed 300+ pounds, completely depressed and I did not know what to do with myself. When I was loading a taxi with what I could take, my then 8 year old son came up to me, and said "Please mommy, don't go. I love you." That still to this day, broke my heart.
I ended up meeting someone about what, 2 to 3 weeks after he and I split up. In the damn bar, the one in which he constantly accused me of "fucking around on him" in. Good lord. Yes, I dated for ONE damn month. After that, I fooled around -with- the same person. Nobody else. I did nothing. I sat at home and played on the internet, or did whatever. Saw my kids when people weren't fucking with me. Ended up moving up to Ashcroft, and STILL fooling around with ONE man... nobody else.
I started to be accused again of fucking every male who lived in Ashcroft. I am like, what the fuck? This is happening ALL over again. Sigh. Accused of something I DID not do!!!
So very long story short. I moved back home. Tail tucked between my legs, and I went home. I did not want to, but I did. I went home, had my first daughter - and spent my days and nights looking after her. I did not date, I did not see anyone. I couldn't. I kept thinking to myself, who the fuck is going to want someone who already has four kids? Explain that to me, because I would really like to know.
In 2003,I started talking to someone online. I had originally reached out to him through my friends domain. She hosted both of us. I had known her since like, 1996-ish? He didn't respond right away, so I thought okay - moving on. Started talking to him, and 3 years later we welcomed our daughter. HOW in the hell again could I be a slut, or a whore? In that same year, my oldest son came to live with us, two days before Beanster came into this world. Like, again how? Explain this to me? I was with one man, who was looking after us, raising my daughter and son, and welcoming a 5th child into the family. A 5th would be my last.
Again, one man. ONE. I did not touch anyone else. I did not let anyone touch me. I did not fuck anyone behind his back. ALL I did was work, raise my kids, and sometimes play video games.
When that ended, I did nothing but work to forget my pain, and raise my kids? I mean, fuck I am not perfect, but a slut and a whore I am not folks.
I mean, people always focus on the negative. YES, I ended up having children with 3 different men. In total, I have had 5 relationships with 5 MEN. Again, this happened in 1992, 1993, 2001, and 2004 x2. So I mean, again HOW... HOW is this even being a slut?
And even in my fuckedup-ness? I somehow raised 4 out of my 5 kids. My youngest son Nicolas lived with his dad full-time. His dad and him bonded and I could not take that bond away from him. It would be completely unfair to Nic. And with him having Autism, there is no way I could do that to him. Again, how is this being a slut or a whore?
I somehow am raising 4 out of my 5. Yes, Austin does not work at present. He has autism, and is awaiting Disability. So again, why is that wrong? My daughter is doing much better than she has in school. She is in Grade 10. My youngest is in Grade 6. I know where they are each night. I know where they sleep. I know when they are looked after.
So again, how in the fuck is this making me a slut or rather, a dumb slut and a whore?
Explain this?
None of my kids are drug addicts, have lived on the street, have kids at a young age. None of them have been in jail. None of them have a criminal record or any charges brought up against them.
NOW
Do not think that this could ever happen. shit could turn and the kids could do something stupid and end up in jail. Life does change.
However, what does having 5 kids with 3 different men have to do with that? It doesn't. Do you think I woke up at the age of 15, and said "Aw fuck it, let's have 5 kids, and have them with many different men?" .. Shit. When I was 15 I said OVER and OVER that I did not want to have kids.
Do you think I woke up saying to myself "I want to be called many fucked up names over the years? Judged beyond judged? Laughed at, ridiculed and run down?" ... fuck no.
When I left my sons' father, I never thought I would have any more kids. I had my 3, I loved them more than life itself. But Darryn happened, and I LEARNED to raise a girl on my own. I mean when her stepfather came into her life, she finally had someone beside me to look up to. But she WANTED her Dad. Did I ask for someone to deny my childs' paternity. NO FUCK NO.
I always made the assumption that if two people laid down and made a child, that they would be there no matter what. When my ex punched my son in the face, I reAlized that isn't the case. when a DNA test had to be made, before "saying" my daughter was his, I also learned how to be strong. I learned that no matter what I have been there for my kids.
ALONG the way shit has happened. I am nowhere near perfect. I have fucked up A LOT.
I just wish people would stop focusing on the negative. Why don't you think for one moment, on how AWESOME my kids are? My oldest works his ass off, my second son is already making financial plans...my youngest son is learning life skills, and how to work. My daughters are in school and busting their butts to get good grades. I mean Darryn turns 16 this year. I am so Facebook live-n that shit.
When I was a kid, I always believed in the white knight, whisking me off a horse, riding into the sunset...Making sure we were loved and provided for. But you know, learning through all of this, I've learned it's all bullshit. ALL OF IT. I mean I did things backwords. I have my kids, and not married. I would sure, one day would love to be a blushing bride. However, I know statistics...and that's a load. A big fat load.
I kind of think to myself, I am glad I didn't walk down the isle. I mean that has to be worse than anything else, breaking up a marriage. I haven't had to go through that, thankfully.
But the fact that people still insist on calling me a whore or a slut.
Can you explain to me please, when the fuck I would have the time? I am busting my arse to make sure my kids turn out to be good people. So again, when would I have time to fuck around? I don't. If I am with someone, I am with them. Period end of discussion.
people need to stop being assholes, and realize all of the positive which has come into and out of my life. My life ain't perfect, but neither are the ones who constantly say I am a whore.
I mean for fuck sakes. I am still accused of sleeping with my daughter's uncle. People find it funny to accuse me of the stupidest shit. Listen, no. I don't and haven't been with anyone in a long fucking time. If that is the definition of a whore? Well that's on you.
My kids are happy and healthy. Sure we've gone through some trials and tribulations, BUT WE ARE TOGETHER.
That's all which matters. So keep your negativity to yourself.
